Local man Martin Shuttlecock, currently malingering and drinking more beer than can possibly be good for him while the World Cup's on, decided to conduct an experiment last night, ahead of England's crucial World Cup clash with the mighty Slovenia.
Shuttlecock, an established cat whisperer (who once sang James's 'Sit Down' to the cat on his way to bed whilst in a state of advanced intoxication - and the cat sat down - proving the point) decided to consult the last remaining family pet, Scrappy the cat, in an attempt to find out how England would go on today.
Scrappy is psychic, or perhaps psychopathic, maybe even both, but she has proved in the past to be uncannily accurate in her predictions.
Having lured the cat into a state of advanced relaxation, by way of a dish full of food, Shuttlecock, in his befuddled state, popped the question to the cat as it slept.
He told it to raise its right paw in the air for an England win, its left paw for a Slovenia win, or a hind leg for a draw.
The cat promptly sat bolt upright and started licking its arse.
Shuttlecock interpreted the response thus:
"Probably a good sign," he opined as he bounced off the walls on his way to the toilet. Returning, he continued:
"She licked her arse. That shows that she doesn't really give a fuck. She's not worried. That's got to bode well for the lads. The last time I asked her for advice on a football match it was when John Terry took a penalty for Chelsea in the Champions League final in Moscow and she pissed on the floor. Terry missed the penalty and the wife said that the cat only pissed on the floor because the cat flap was locked. But I knew better. She just knew Terry would miss that pen. That's why she pissed on the floor. And that's why she licked her arse when I asked her about the England score. She knows. It's some uncanny Egyptian pyramidal feline cat thing that us Europeans don't get. Excuse me..."
At which juncture, Martin Shuttlecock ran for the bathroom with his hand clamped tightly across his mouth, making funny honking sounds as he went.
We did intend to pursue the interview further but Anne, Shuttlecock's long suffering wife started banging about upstairs, ordering Shuttlecock to bed immediately, and requesting that we depart.
More from Shuttlecock when he sobers up. As we get it.
