England To Host 2018 World Winking Championships

Written by Skoob1999

Monday, 17 May 2010

image for England To Host 2018 World Winking Championships
An Exhausted Winker Calls It A Day

Wild celebrations today here in Barrow-in-Furness at the HQ of the All England Winkers Association (AEWA) as the Federation of International Winking Associations (FIWA) announced that the 2018 World Winking Championships are to take place right here in England.

With its long tradition of winking, and no shortage of budding winkers set to break through the ranks, England expects that every man should do his duty, practising and honing their winking skills.

Veteran winker, Hurdee Gurdeemanson from Sweden made the announcement today, just after lunch. Hurdee Gurdeemanson was crowned World Solo Winking Champion in the 1990, 1994, 1998, and 2002 World Winking Championships. His slightly droopy right eyelid and perfect head-tilt are legendary in the game.

England will be pinning their hopes on Ashley Sixskin, the left eyed winker in the solo event.

"He's probably the best left-eyed winker in the world at the moment," reigning Nigerian Winking Champion Ntide Blinkwah. "If he can avoid niggling eyelash injuries and stay out of grit quarries, there's no reason why he shouldn't be fit for 2018."

There will be strong competition though. US winker Popeye Seaman is reported to have entered training camp already, and is strengthening his right eyelid with a diet of spinach and olive oil, supplemented by tobacco smoke. Which he takes through a clay pipe. Organic, of course.

Gambian endurance winker Kip Nappo is also expected to perform well, although his left winking eye has been suspect in the past owing to susceptibility to hay fever, which can interfere with the smooth progress of the eyelids across the cornea. Due to an allergic reaction to pollen. And stuff.

In the team winking events, England is expected to perform particularly well, with a strong point being the synchronised winking event, with a team of winkers from Sheffield expected to make up the bulk of the squad.

One thing remains certain, England is full of exceptionally talented winkers, and we'll have the finest winkers in the world representing the country in 2018. Anyone who doubts that needs only watch Britain's Got Winkers or The Wink-Factor on the telly.

Go on, have a good wink. If it doesn't kill you, it can't hurt.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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