David Beckham's achilles tendon has sensationally ruled itself out of the World Cup, after revelations that John Terry had an affair with its former girlfriend.
Reports recently published in the tabloids describe how the Chelsea defender enjoyed a fling with a knee ligament from Battersea whilst it was engaged to Beckham's tendon.
Reports detail how Terry would meet the ligament in secret and share nights of passion rubbing deep heat into each other in 5-star hotel rooms.
Backham's tendon, on learning of the affair, was so infuriated that it decided to snap completely during AC Milan's 1-0 victory over Greasy Foreign Types XI in Serie A. He could be heard ranting to the assembled press as Beckham was carried off on a purpose-made Calvin Klein stretcher:
"I'm not going to the World Cup with that c*** Terry."
A more considered statement was issued by Beckham's tendon's advisors in the hours after the match:
"David Beckham's achilles would like to announce his withdrawal from contention for Fabio Capello's England squad for this year's World Cup. He feels revelations about certain players who are likely to be part of the squad make his position untenable.... [Beckham's tendon] would also like to say that, having spent months rubbing up against Rebecca Loos' pasty-like feet, he has seen the ugly side of infidelity, and wishes to distance himself utterly from it."
England manager Fabio Capello has expressed his disappointment at the news, but has also made tentative contact with a number of potential replacements. It is thought that Dean Windass has plenty of soft tissue going spare that could be drafted in for the tournament in South Africa, but - in the words of one source - it is "unlikely to look as good sat on the bench sporting a daft hairdo" or "d**king about in Rustenburg trying to convince everyone that wearing a poncho/skirt/nappy is cool and not just a stupid f***ing fad."
