Winter Olympics Luge Track To Be Made 'Piss-Easy'

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 18 February 2010

image for Winter Olympics Luge Track To Be Made 'Piss-Easy'
Officials test the coldness of the snow

After tragedy struck last weekend at the Winter Olympics with the death of the Georgian luge competitor, Nodar Kumaritashvili, officials have acted swiftly, and have decided to make the luge track for the 2014 Games in Sochi, Russia so tame, that speeds of more than 15mph will be impossible.

Mr Kumiritishvala, whose name in Georgian means 'risky sport', died when his luge flipped and left the track, slamming him into a steel post. The post was unhurt.

Mr Kumoratoshvolo's father, David, also a luger in his day - so he knows what he's talking about - told reporters that if the track had been easier, the luge would never have left the track, and his son would still be alive today. He said, with grammatical inaccuracy:

"If those pillars had not been there this would not have happened. I might have seen him again alive."

Mr Kumaratno.42 should, in fact, have said "I might have seen him alive again", but, in the light of his tragedy, he can be forgiven that childlike bungle.

Vancouver officials say they have now redesigned the track, with new 'less bendy' bends, and have scattered gravel all along the route to slow the vehicles down. In some parts, this has completely melted the snow away, exposing the concrete underneath, and providing the ultimate safety precaution.

Where there is still snow, the officials tested its temperature to make sure it wasn't too cold, or too sharp, so that competitors would not be injured or killed should they fall off their luges.

After hearing the news, Mr Kimono said:

"Why is my name so difficult to spell?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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