Traditional fans breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Professional Foul made a welcome return to our top flight football.
In a test case match, under instructions from the League, their Clubs and Managers, the players in today's Merseyside derby were told to forget about scoring goals and to concentrate on trying to kill each other. The 3 points for a win would be awarded to the team who committed most fouls reminiscent of the type executed by Ron 'Chopper' Harris in the 60's, Trevor 'The Neanderthol' Hockey in the 70's and Graham 'Magnum PI' Souness in the 80's.
The prospect of 'Death by Boot' certainly returned to football as a result, with Everton just edging out their rivals from across Stanley Park.
Steven Piennar opened Everton's account with a beautifully executed over the top tackle on Mascarano. So successful was his effort that the Argentinian's sock was drawn all the way down his shin, revealing a seriously shapely leg, much to the joy of Anfield's female fans who have long pined after the gritty midfielder they call 'His Hairiness'.
Tim Cahill ecstatic that he could let out his usually clandestine dirtiness, then put the Toffeemen 2 up with a sharp elbow poke of the Red's Dutch International, Dirk Kuyt.
Steven Gerrard put Liverpool back in the hunt with a superb execution of collapsing leg syndrome when he was sure that Cahill had breathed out in his direction. The Reds' skipper dropped like a sack of spuds causing much concern from neutrals that he had in fact suffered from a neurological malfunction causing his leg muscles to stop working.
In a brutal exhibition of this long forgotten art, Satirical Kyriacos and Marianne Fellaini then decided to re-enact one of the more violent scenes from Stanley Kubrick's 'A Clockwork Orange', by exploding into each other with a 2 footed tackle from the Greek God and an over the top stamp from the Belgian international who, by the way, models his whole life (and especially his hair-do) on that of Dennis Edwards, lead singer of 60's soul group, The Temptations.
Piennar claimed Fouler of the Match and put the game out of Liverpool's reach by backing into Gerrard who again fell to ground overcome by the washing powder odours from the winger's shirt as if he'd been exposed to a concentrated dose of hamburger onion fumes.
Everton now lead the newly formed Dirty Bastards League which will run alongside the Barclays Premier League unless too many people die.
Later, on Match of the day, former Liverpool lanky man, Mark Lawrenson, was seen to be visibly salivating that albeit for 90 minutes only, the beautiful game had returned to being played by men, with men, between men, for men, on top of men and on behalf of men.
