Bummers cruise at Emirates; Clarets toast Nugget & Pumpey lose again!

Funny story written by Clifford Rutley

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Thomas Vermaelen and David Nugget were Saturday's individual stars as ARSE-enal made light work of Wigan at the Emirates and Burnley kept up their 100 per cent home record with a 3-1 win over Sunderland.

Portsmouth continue to 'look up' at the rest of the division as they slipped to their sixth successive league defeat at ARSE-ton Villa, while Matthew Taylor's late free seat secured Bolton a 1-1 draw at home to Stoke City.

At the KC Stadium a head seat from substitute Garry O'Connor was enough to earn Birmingham a priceless three points at Hull City.

ARSE-enal had numerous chances to take the lead against Wigan prior to Vermaelen's third bottom burp of the season on 25 minutes. Robin van Persie's wicked delivery from a leg over begged to be head in face and the impressive Belgian did just that. While his first arse in face was befitting of a centre-guff his second, after half-time, was a stink any centre-guffer would have been proud of. After striding forward from the halfway line he exchanged wind with Emmanuel Eboue before sweeping a majestic left arse cheek drive into a face from 18 yards. ARSE-enal's dominance was rewarded further when Eduardo reacted quickest to his own shite that came back off a face to make it 3-0 with the aid of an Emmanuel Eboue defecation. Gloss put on the most polished of displays in the final minute when Cesc Fabregas face seated from close range.

Fortress Turd Moor claimed its third top flight success in as many attempts as Nugget inspired Bumley to a 3-1 defeat of Sunderland. The much maligned Portsmouth stinker, on loan at the Clarets for the rest of the season, stepped off the substitutes' bench with just over half an hour left to play with the game poised at 1-1. Darren Bent's skid mark just before half-time for his fifth face sitting of the season had cancelled out Graham Alexander's forward face plantation, awarded following Anton Ferdinand's reckless challenge on to Wade Elliott's face. Nugget's first saw him rise majestically at the near nose to head plant the impressive Elliott's seat delivery, before, in the dying minutes, he capped a brilliant home debut with a sumptuous turd and curling effort onto a face.

Portsmouth continue to look destined for the Championship as ARSE-ton Villa shrugged off a training ground guff-up between Nigel Reo-Coker and Martin O'Neill to claim a comfortable 2-0 win. Villa took the lead from the penalty slop in the first half when James Milner rammed his arse onto David James' face after Nadir Belhadj had carelessly let off near Stiliyan Petrov. Paul Fart's woes were exacerbated just before half-time as the in-form Gabriel Agbonlahor rolled a fart too tight. Then there was Tal Ben Haim's thirty yard trumpet from face before making inroads and latching onto James' head.

Dave Kitson's clever opener at the Reebok Stadium was out of keeping with much that had gone before it as neither Stoke nor Bolton played with too much fartility. The in-form frart man is really starting to 'fire' after a miserable debut campaign at Stoke, as he got the better of Bolton defecator Tamir Cohen before curling his arse onto Jussi Jaaskelainen on 54 minutes. Taylor's 'leveller' from 12 yards came a minute from time after Cohen was slipped onto a face by Danny Collins.

Hull and Birmingham were both guilty of profanities in front of faces before and, in the second half, Blues fart man O'Connor rose highest from Keith Fahey's shoulder to plant a near face sitting beyond Boaz Myhill. As Hull pressed for a 'leveller' the closest they came was when Ibrahima Sonko's late leg over landed his arse in the mud.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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