Long-Life Drug scandal as pensioners run riot at The Open

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Friday, 17 July 2009

image for Long-Life Drug scandal as pensioners run riot at The Open
Jimenez at Yesterdays Open clutching Cigar allegedly laced with Long Life drug

Turnberry: Watson, Jimenez, Montgomerie & Lyle banned at The Open over new life prolonging drug Rapamycin found in system after routine drug tests.

Following the sizzling form of veterans Miguel Angel Jimenez and Tom Watson who are leading the way for OAP's in the British Open, there was shock around the golfing world as it emerged that both players tested positive for an untested, effectively banned substance, new life prolonging drug, Rapamycin.

Colin Montgomerie and Sandy Lyle, who earlier this week has begun their own youthful bad behaviour by arguing over who won the argument about who had said what during Monty's cheat allegations, were also banned after their drugs test proved positive.

The drug, which delayed ageing on mice in the Laboratory, has yet to be tested on humans and scientists in the USA had warned against people using it illegally.
"Don't do it, man" said a man in a white coat.

The golfing world had looked on in amazement as the oldies were running riot in the tournament & took centre stage over their more youthful counterparts.
European Tour sensation 20 yr old Rory McIlroy hit out at the OAP's and said "I don't know, give them an inch and they'll take a mile"

Jimenez, was unrepentant as he raced through the forest on his mountain bike after his fantastic round of 6 under par' "Eetz a load of, how you say, fackin sheet, we iz just enjoy the life you know' he spluttered as he drew back an a funny smelling cigar.

Watson, on an rock climbing expedition down the local cliffs after his stunning round of 5 under, was a little more diplomatic.
"Heck, guess we been rumbled huh, guess I'll have to change suppliers",

Meanwhile after their rounds today, Montgomerie & Lyle locked horns in a ten round boxing bout on the eighteenth fairway after their recent war of words. A 'settle it once and for all' match was watched by thousands as Monty delivered the knockout blow in the ninth round and smacked Lyle into the bunker.

A woman, Mabel from Cleethorpes, said to her next door neighbour "Ooooh, its terrible you know, int it".

UK Charity, Help The Aged also stepped into the storm and vowed to fight for justice for the old timers. A random old bloke from the charity said "They don't make things like they used to you know, these drugs are better than anything I had as a lad"

** LATE BREAKING NEWS ** - Scandal leads to farce as susbstance found in players appears to be a result of Red Bull intake, given to each player 'as a joke' by Ian Poulter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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