After the Netherlands beat England at that most English of sports, cricket, and as English sportsmen are about to lose The Ashes, Wimbledon, World Cup qualifiers, and probably even the Oxbridge and Camford Boat Race this year, a new sporting tactic and philosophy was invented today, one of 'total failure'.
Speaking from where England failed to win the World Cup in 1966, spokesman and sporting failure Bobby Charlton said: 'Total failure is the new way, the English will lose at any and every sport, and especially the ones they invented, so now a new sporting philosophy of complete and utter failure will makes us once again world champions at something.'
'Of course, we'll always fail at non-English sports, like curling, golf, chess, athletics and suicide bombing, but if we embrace the concept of total failure, we can hold our heads up high once more, and laugh in the face of the Scots and the Irish. And the Welsh. And the Americans and French. And Australians and New Zealanders, and Africans and Argentinians.'
'Russians too, of course, Chinese, Algerians, New Zealanders, Spanish, we will laugh in all of their faces, as our total failure means we can employ lots of ham-acting English commentators to hint that because we invented a sport we are already champions at it, although we always fail to win it miserably. Then the TV people will call it a 'Great Summer of English Failure', that should make the viewers reach for their off buttons.'