After one of the most average Manchester United teams in history managed to win the English Premier League this season, a team hammered only a few weeks ago at home by Liverpool, their manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, was confident of victory in the UEFA Champions League final against Barcelona.
As his team were about to leave their make-up and hairdo dressing room to go on to the pitch, it was suddenly realised that the match wouldn't have an English FA referee.
'Whit!', yelled Fergie, and some of his overrated players felt dizzy at the news, 'you mean if it's 0-0 with five minutes to go, there's no penalty when Scholesy or Giggsy do a swallow dive in the box? I don't believe it!' 'But without referee pointing to his spots every week, we no good!,' added striker Cristiano Ronaldo. 'I wish to leave and go to Madrid.'
'But wait!', shouted Paul Scholes, 'never mind the ref, we can still beat them with our better skills and better players! OK, only joking ...' New FA guidelines for referees at Old Trafford have stated that if United need a goal with five minutes to go, they should either (a) wait for a United player to go down like a ton of coals, and award a penalty, (b) wait for Sir Alex Ferguson to shout for a penalty, and just give one anyway, or (c) take a dive themselves, and give the penalty.
'Aye, but that's nae good outside England', Sir Alex said, 'maybe my great team should go and join the Spanish league. There's no good English players there, there's no good English managers there either. Oh, it's exactly the same as England, except without English refs to give us penalties ever week.'
Sir Alex Ferguson is Scottish.
