Written by Lightning Conductor

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

image for Horse and Jockey given severe sentence after admitting their part in "Toofgate"!
'Exhibit A' MonMome?...Liam?....Janet?? Treadwell's amazing interchangeable multi modal Teeth !

Liam Treadwell today had his "Fetlocks" savagely beaten in a hastily convened meeting at The jockey club in Newmarket where he was sensationally stripped of his amazing win in the 2009 grand National!

He admitted cheating and named one "Mon Mome", a race horse of no fixed abode as his accomplice in the scam.

So incensed are the Jockey Club that they've signed a warrant for both Horse and Jockey to be put down with immediate effect for bringing the sport into disrepute!

Senior Member of the Jockey club, The Duke of Roxburghe announced that "he'd spoken with the top trainers and they'd agreed to the sentence".

Treadwell, sobbing pathetically, mumbled that "he'd never get such a sentence in the real world" but The Duke rounded on him saying that "you're in the Jockey Club now, not the real world"!

Astonished reporters asked "how he could legally impose the penalty"? but he just shrugged and said that "Under section 53 subsection 4 paragraph 9 of 'The Rules' he'd only needed the signature of a Duke"!

The Jockey club revealed to us that Mr.Treadwell and Mr.Mome had "Swapped Teeth" in an illegal attempt at increasing the downdraft over Mr.Treadwell's head!

The Duke added that "The Club will now install Tony Mc Coy as Winner of the 2009 Grand National for being such a top bloke, a diamond geezer and big favourite of all those that follow the sport of Kings"!

"How many other Race horses has he done this with?!" Exclaimed the Incensed Duke loudly to waiting reporters. "They're both "Scum" and will be dealt with!"

"It's a travesty and a miscarriage of justice that this pair of "Tinkers" have been able to perpetuate this method of cheating for so long" added trainer Martin Pipe breathlessly- "I really hope that the Jockey Club will at last wake up to the threat that "Interchangeable multi modal Teeth" are to this majestic sport?"

Another Trainer who didn't want to be named said that he "was shocked it hadn't been noticed before"? "This was a shockingly audacious attempt at enhancing performance without using drugs and we'll have to be on guard now for this new post chemical era in cheating", bellowed the deeply upset Equine expert.

Suffolk Police have revealed that Janet Street-Porter was arrested in connection with their inquiry but have now released her without charge. The Police declined to comment on rumours that they'd been investigating Shergar and Jimmy Tarbuck in the recent past?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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