Alan Shearer has given up spending afternoons in the bookies to take on the uphill struggle that will be keeping this once great team in the Premiership.
"I'm ever so happy", mumbled the eloquent Geordie beaming his winning smile at the assembled members of the worlds media whilst trying to contain his emotions.
Mike Ashley added that "he thought victory would be assured during the last 8 games".
However, when questioned in more detail with difficult questions like "Didn't you say that at the beginning of the season"? Mr Ashley started coughing and had to leave the room to "get a drink of water."
Shearer explained to the press that the rapid ascent of the team up the league could "get out of hand," so he'd asked for a retarder as he didn't want to upset the cosy little club at the top of the table just yet.
He went on to explain that Mike Ashley had supplied him with "An Ian Dowie" who'd be able to prevent too much forward progress which he's apparently expert at"
