Alan Shearer resigns/sacked...

Funny story written by ashalpool

Thursday, 2 April 2009


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Alan Shearer, balding, has been sacked... or did he resign.

The decision came a couple of minutes after Shearer's press conference, where the board are believed to be unimpressed by his constant fidgeting and annoying body shifting in his chair. They are also supposed to have hated his "stupid" accent.

The decision seems quite irrelevant, though, as Shearer seemed set to resign a minute earlier, with him telling a close friend 30 seconds before, that he felt he couldn't adapt to the new surroundings. That "close" friend told us a few seconds afterwards. The reason Shearer gives about adapting to new surroundings seems flawed, seeing as "Alan" had been at the club for a decade earlier, furthered by the fact that he had only been in the job for around a minute.

The debate about whether he resigned or was sacked is raging through Newcastle, with some believing the board intentionally brought Shearer to sack him, and thus keep the fans minds off Newcastle United's "shite" results.

The story is not very shocking, its what you expect from a city who's most famous inhabitants are Ant and Dec. And its what you expect from a club who's owner is quite possibly, not including Martin Samuel or Rafa Benitez, the biggest lump of cunt shit one has ever seen.

In any case whoever the next manager is, Michael Owen close sources tell me, Newcastle United are 100% fucked.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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