Barney Frank Proposes New Patriot Act

Funny story written by Warren Redlich

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

image for Barney Frank Proposes New Patriot Act
Barney Frank doesn't look this good in a football uniform.

Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) introduced a new Patriot Act in the House Tuesday. Unlike the original legislation, this one is focused on the New England Patriots instead of on terrorism.

"At a time when the federal government is bailing out a variety of institutions, it's time we helped out an important constituency like our Patriots," Frank said at a press conference in Boston. After losing the last Superbowl, the team is struggling with a record of only 7 wins and 5 losses. Star quarterback Tom Brady has been out due to an injury.

The New England Patriot Act will channel $1 billion in funds to help out the team. Of that $1 billion, $200 million will go toward renovations for Gillette Stadium, which has become outdated since it opened in 2002. Another $50 million will go for bionic implants so that Brady can get back to the team in time for the end of the season. The remaining $750 billion will be used at Frank's discretion or traded for a player to be named later.

ESPN sports anchor Chris Berman suggested that other members of Congress may follow in Frank's path, with billion dollar bailouts for all the struggling professional sports teams, with more for the teams that are doing well. Berman speculated that Barack Obama may push for $10 billion each for the Bears, White Sox, and Bulls, but nothing for the Cubs.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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