Pacman Jones Moves On, Will Replace Katie Couric

Funny story written by Frank Coffey

Sunday, 18 November 2007

New York - eTrueSports has learned that Adam "Pacman" Jones, the Tennessee Titan football player whose suspension for the rest of the NFL season has just been confirmed by the commissioner's office, will replace Katie Couric as anchor of the CBS Evening News.

"We need more street cred," said CBS President and CEO Les Moonves in a prepared statement announcing the stunning move. "Ratings are king and 'Pac' can help us. It's as simple as that."

"I plan on restoring The Evening News to its previous status," said Mr. Jones, adding that he would immediately focus on returning "substance and serious reporting" to the broadcast.

Jones, a cornerback suspended by the NFL for the 2007 season, was recently released on $20,000 bail on felony charges stemming from a strip club melee and triple-shooting; he has been involved in 11 different police investigations.

When reached by reporters, Ms. Couric said that she wished "Adam all the best" in his "new career." Couric said she was more than willing to do whatever CBS asked in order to "help smooth the transition to the new regime." Since Ms. Couric replaced veteran journalist Bob Schieffer as anchor, the CBS Evening News has seen ratings tumble to their lowest point in ten years.

CBS emphasized that it stood behind Mr. Jones and that the company was "confident the young man has turned his life around."

Due to on-going legal proceedings, it is not immediately known when Jones will take over as anchor.

"We're shooting for two weeks," said a source at CBS News.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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