Wimbledon, England - It pains this reporter to report this, but Henman Hill, that landmark of 20th century British culture and once a gathering place for our nation's proud people, has become a suicide blackspot as the repercussions of hero Tim Henman's retirement have reached epic and tragic, heartbreaking proportions.
The Hill's owner, Tim, couldn't be reached for comment yesterday as he was said to be devastated and saddened by this disastrous turn of events, but local residents spoke to The Spoof about the growing number of suicides that have plagued the great mound:
"It's mainly middled-aged bored housewives, although the suicides range from all ages", began a Mr. P. Ness.
"One thing they all have in common is that they all wear stupid union jack hats and end their suicide note with 'Come on Tim'", continued a Mrs. A. Hore, holding back tears.
One suicide note read thus: "I can't live knowing that Henman Hill will be renamed Murray Mound. I know it's gonna happen and I don't wanna be there when it does."
Another reveals gut wrenching torment: "I just can't live without the annual visit from Henman and all the mucking about on the hill. Some say that Andy Murray will replace Tim but he's a dour, Scottish bastard."
Another illustrates the emptiness felt by many: "The flags are gone now. The big screen won't screen anymore Henman losses. We won't be able to shout 'Come on Tim' and act like jackasses anymore. Why postpone the inevitable?"
Most feel that the people who have taken their own lives have identified with Henman throughout his career and now that he's gone, they have lost their sense of identity -something which local drunk Mr. A. B. Astard agrees with: "They were all losers and they looked up to Henman, didn't they? Because he was an even bigger loser than they were."
Some however, perhaps with more optimism than reason, have questioned the validity of these reports, suggesting, with little scientific evidence, that the hill is actually not nearly steep enough to snowboard, let alone commit suicide.
"It's absolute bullocks", blasted Andy Murray. "I've tried to commit suicide numerous times on that hill and only ended up with a cut shin. Henman's just contrived the whole thing to make it look like everyone hates me and loves him-that guy is an utter cockhead."
Whatever the truth, this is a sad, sad day for Great Britain.
*A candlelit vigil will be held at the hill in memory of the Henman fans whose lives have been lost on October 18th. Admission fee: five pounds. Guests are advised to bring an umbrella.
