NFL Commissioner Big Bad Roger Goodell has announced that he will punish Patriots' Head Coach Bellicose Bill Bellichik for chickenshit cheating. It is alleged that the Jets coaches were filmed on the sidelines and information was secretly sent over radio to the Pats coaches.
Interestingly, the punishment will not come in the form of suspension, fines, forfeiting the game, and not even taking away a draft pick. Instead, it was announced that Belichik will be publicly stripped of his precious "Hoody" sweatshirt. This will then be shredded using a pair of extremely sharp Ginsu knives in a ceremony on the field before this Sunday's game in Foxboro, Mass.
In a brutal move intended to get his point across, the shredding will be done by Shawn Merriman and Ladanian Tomlinson, both critics of Belichik.
Jets Coach Eric Mangini was offered the chance to do the actual knife work but refused so he could be with his team for their game in the Meadowlands vs. the Ravens.
However the remains of the treasured rags will be awarded to Mangini by God...er...Goodell at a later date, probably when the Jets go to New England for their rematch.
My sources inside the Patriots camp say that upon receiving the news, poor Bill fell to his knees and did the classic arms-reaching-to-the-sky move while bellowing, "NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo....!
The NFL is reportedly confiscating any backup "Hoodys" in The Pats' locker room and will add them to the pile.
No word yet on whether Mangini will burn the remains or use them for bedding for his pet pit bull. He may donate them to the ASPCA in the league's continued effort to publicize their stance on animal cruelty.
NOTE: Disregard the party line, released by the league. The above story is the true story according to my towel boy in the locker room, Frankie "I gotta fresh one" Moore (see picture), who saw the coach on his knees.
