Beleaguered former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, who miraculously found Jesus this week, has revealed the bible passage which opened his heart to the messiah, exclusively for The Spoof.
Speaking from his jail cell, the chastised Vick said: "In Matthhew 15:26 Jesus confronts a woman who asks him to cleanse her son of devils with the response, 'It is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs' and she replied, 'Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.' That's when I realized that Jesus was just like me-just a good old fashioned dog-torturer."
Having read the passage Vick said he feels justified in what he did, adding that he felt like 'the Jesus of modern times': "I wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm the second coming, but I'm probably now the Jesus of the NFL. It's sickening that saints like me and the J-man are crucified for our holiness but I will not complain, for I do the work of my father".
Vick feels that the bible passage proves that Jesus had his own dog-fighting ring: "Obviously, the J-man had his own operation up and running-it was probably called Christz Kennels or Godz Dogz or Good Newz Kennels or something like that. Then, he was snitched on by his cohorts in the ring-Peter, Luke, Judas etc. because they didn't wanna serve jailtime", added Vick, who admitted that he only 'flicked through' the bible before returning to his playboy mag.
Vick has also concluded that Jesus's frequently quoted line 'Let the blind lead the blind' is a reference to sticking pins into the eyes of guide dogs: "It makes perfect sense."
Asked whether he felt animosity towards his persecutors, particularly NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who Vick has compared to Pontius Pilate, the star lifted his eyes to heaven and responded: "Forgive them father, for they know not what they do."
Vick also mentioned recruiting twelve disciples, set to include fellow gridiron stars Randy Moss, Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, Ray Lewis and O.J. Simpson, because 'we need to spread the word of Christianity. This country is going to the dogs'.
