Report: 65% of NBA Players Pass Gas During Games

Funny story written by B. Elliot Stern

Friday, 26 March 2004

image for Report: 65% of NBA Players Pass Gas During Games
Did this guy have an unfair advantage?

San Diego - The University of California San Diego Scripps Research Center released a report today which states that 65% of NBA players pass gas during games. "Over the course of the past two years we conducted a study that included the viewing of thousands of hours of game footage in addition to lengthy interviews with several hundred current and former NBA players.

The preliminary results, which we are releasing today concludes that the passing of gas during NBA contests has reached an alarmingly high percentage," said research team leader, Dr. Robert Mason.

The detailed report goes on to state that excessive flatulence during play could start to lead to the outcome of games being affected.

As an example, a 2002 NBA contest between the New Jersey Nets and Los Angeles Lakers is highlighted in the research team's findings as one where point guard Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets repeatedly passed gas while dribbling the ball up court to shake off defenders who double teamed him. In one offensive sequence, the report notes that Kidd backed down Lakers guard Derek Fisher all the way underneath the basket without ever making contact with him.

The conclusion, says the study, "Kidd loaded up on a large amount of protein before the game to increase the severity of his flatulence thereby giving him an unfair advantage over unsuspecting Laker defenders."

Over the course of the interview process, researchers asked former and current players who they would name as the worst on-court gas passers of all time. Boston Celtics star Kevin McHale was the clear winner among former players. Recently retired New York Knicks center Patrick Ewing won out among current players who were polled, with Minnesota Timberwolves guard Latrell Sprewell a close second.

The final report will not be issued until sometime next month, at which time the NBA league office is expected to comment on its findings and possibly address the issue with team owners at their next meeting in April.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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