Evidence found Duke lacrosse players learned sex from monarch butterfly

Written by King David

Thursday, 8 March 2007

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Hard evidence was entered into the case defending Duke lacrosse players which links several of the accused to butterfly sex techniques. In an effort to understand the player's, researchers of the case found that several of the players were tutored by a lepidopterist, (person who studies butterflies and moths), for an entomology course they had together in the Spring.

Butterfly sex, though dysfunctional, is quite a spectacle as male butterflies intoxicate potential female mates and choose which female that they want to mate with by grabbing them with their legs while the females float around in a hormonally induced and drunken haze similar to what goes on in a fraternity party. It's like the lines from Bruce Springsteen's song, Born To Run,"Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims. And strap your hands across my engines," only in reverse.

Butterfly sex continues as both partners now unable to fly, fall to the ground and apply butterfly masturbation techniques on the other. It is during this part of butterfly sex that the male is tested for his virility. While the luridly compunctious and insatiable female attempts to throw her partner off like a good mystery novel, if she is successful, then he is considered not suitable mating material for her. But if he succeeds, well, then the promised land is his. So in order to prepare for this mating ritual, butterflies must lift weights and read mystery novels in order to impress and outwit future tenuous mates.

A passage from the book, The Joy of Butterfly Sex illustrates what happens next:

"the male strokes his chosen one with his knobbed antennas, lays his head next to hers, and as soon as she's sedated, he flips her over for a reproductive interlude.
Afterward, he carries her to the tree tops, where they remain until sunrise. The following morning, she leaves him for the nearest milkweed patch and deposits her eggs where hungry young caterpillars can find food. Sometimes the male follows, and they die there together."

Hence the line from Springsteen's song, "I wanna die with you wendy on the streets tonight in an everlasting kiss."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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