Tim Henman has turned up at Wimbledon. The tennis ace is five months early, but feels this will give him enough time to warm up for his tournament, and he should be able to beat his opponent.
"I feel I have lacked the warm up needed" he told a reporter who was passing by and not especially interested "and I know I can do it this year."
Henman has singularly failed to win anything over the past few years, except a small model cottage he got for drawing a stick man for a Rice Krispies competition. He has spent the summer in quiet meditation, interrupted only by making models of Andy Murray out of Dairy Lee, which he then placed on pedestrian crossings to be crushed by vans.
"I can do it this year. I can" he repeated, shouting down the road to the reporter who was now running away, frightened "I've got my new bat" he yelled, before breaking down in tears and sucking his thumb.
