Football Gossip: Milner's PE Teacher, Aboubakar Kamara ABH, Beth Mead Under Offer, Vegan Riposte

Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 24 January 2019

image for Football Gossip: Milner's PE Teacher, Aboubakar Kamara ABH, Beth Mead Under Offer, Vegan Riposte
Another Fulham yoga session

Liverpool midfielder, James Milner, 33, was dismissed against Crystal Palace after picking up a second yellow card for a foul on Wilfried Zaha. It was later revealed that he had been sent off by his former PE teacher Jon Moss. Referee Moss was Milner's PE teacher at Westbrook Lane Primary School in Leeds and said afterwards "I've given him detention, too".

The Spoof Sport understands that the man arrested at Fulham's training ground on Monday on suspicion of causing actual bodily harm, was the club's French striker Aboubakar Kamara. Fulham said the person arrested was now "banned indefinitely from all club activities". Kamara reportedly had a falling out with Aleksandar Mitrovic during a squad yoga session after which coach "Tinkerman" Claudio Ranieri said "It looks as if we're going to have to stop these aggressive yoga sessions."

After attending a session at the England women's training camp in Qatar and expressing his admiration for the players' sporting prowess among other things, the Emir of Qatar has increased his offer to buy Beth Mead for his hareem. The Emir is now offering 10 camels and 10 goats, and has enquired if there is a possible "Buy One Get One Free" offer for any more English blondes.

Christian Doidge scored his first Forest Green goals since his permanent move to Bolton collapsed in the 3-0 victory over Grimsby in League Two. Doidge voiced his irritation about the Grimsby fans to The Spoof after scoring his brace. "They know we're vegans, but those effing Grimsby fans just kept chanting 'we want fish and chips'. They also kept shouting that I only wanted to move to Bolton for the meat pies. I was so glad to stick two past their keeper."

Struggling Women's Super League side Yeovil Town Ladies have signed winger Rachel McLauchlan from Hibernian. "I am really pleased to have signed. I know how much the club has improved this season and I can already tell it is a great club to be at," she said after which Town fans questioned her sanity. Yeovil are bottom of the table with three points from 12 games.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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