Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 8 January 2007

image for Chelsea Announce New Kit And Sponsorship Deals
Until the fabric can be sourced O'Mobavich has had the streak painted on

Premiership Chelsea have announced kit change plans and a new sponsor for the 2007/08 season.

The biggest change will come to the colour of the strip, which has been blue for donkey's years. To reflect how the rest of the footballing world feels about them, Stamford Bridge boss Roman O'Mobavich has decided the new strip will still be primarily blue, but will now have a yellow streak running right through it.

The Russian, who is thought by some to be bisexual, owns a 14-bedroom mansion in Buckinghamshire staffed by more than a hundred male and female prostitutes, whilst his 90-year-old parents and disabled sister live in a rundown tenement building in Mokba.

The Blues are also showing the door to their current sponsor, electronics giant Samsung, in favour of PADI. This is in keeping with the current team's main tactic, namely, diving.

Chief proponent Didier Dogdirt was asked about the new deal, and spluttered something in Franglais that nobody but Arjen Robbing, another "faller", could understand. Robbing is a clever man who speaks eight languages, one of which is Bullshit.

To retain Chelsea's maritime links, a deal has been struck with swim- and divewear manufacturer Speedo.

Coach Joe Moaninho said he liked the kit's yellow streak, but not the all-pink change strip. Chelsea legend Kerry Dixon, however, said he "loved it", as he has a gay-sounding name.

Quite what Ron "Chopper" Harris would have made of it, no-one can say, because nobody bothered to ask him.

Frank Lamppost is 68.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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