COLTS NECK, N.J. - Ghost Town County Political Boss and Gawdzillionaire Fat Cat Fringo had an unbelievable and ultra-spectacular score at Trump National on Monday. Yes, believe it or not, Fringo knocked down a hole in one on all 18 holes of the well manicured course.
"I can't believe it," said Ghost Town Mayor Martin Forrest Thwaite. "The man's unbelievable. Just Sunday, I showed him an article on Kim Jong-Il's 38 under par-34 and Fat Cat Fringo said, 'I can match that, if not beat it'."
With cool summer breezes blowing and a warm sun in the cloudless sky overhead, the Mayor said this to the sports editor of the Daily Jersey Devil, Joshua Weiss, while standing on the 19th island green of Trump National Golf Course. And guess who else was standing on the island green? Donald Trump himself, waiting for Fat Cat Fringo to score a hole in one on the 18th green so he could award Fringo a large-and-in-charge trophy for his great game. The glittering, tawdry prize was so big and heavy, in fact, that a member of the Ghost Town Water Department had to drive a utility truck onto the 19th Island Green so he and four other members of the Water Department could load it onto the truck and wheel it off the course.
Back in 1994, the North Korean tyrant and father of madman dictator Kim Jong-un, at age 52, recorded a 38 under par-34 score at Pyongyang Golf Course - the best score ever on 18 holes at any par 4 golf course anywhere in the world. Kim Jong-Il had five holes in one during this round of golf, the first and only time he played the game, and had no worse than a birdie on any of the other holes at the 7,700-yard Pyongyang Golf Course.
Outside of North Korea and its oppressed population, no one buys a single bit of this. This is, after all, a regime whose countless fabrications include the claim that Americans eat Korean babies, and that Pyongyang won the space race by landing a rocket on the moon years before Neil Armstrong made his lunar walk. (I've seen the aforementioned rocket up close and in person; it looks like it was made from papier-mache), pens writer Josh Sens in a June 1, 2016 article in Golf magazine online.
Meanwhile, back at Colts Neck, Fat Cat Fringo sipped a daiquiri on his golf cart and told those huddled around him, "This is the one and only time I'm ever playing this game. Why? It's fucking boring, that's why. It's a lot like watching grass grow and I'm a man of action. It's the dumbest game in the world - hitting a little ball around and putting it into little holes on elevated portions of grass. What are they called, 'greens'? Anyhow, what's my next score going to be? After you score a hole in one on every hole, who wants to continue? I just bought these clubs today."
When the Daily Jersey Devil sports editor asked what kind of golf clubs Fringo used for such an outlandish, super-human feat, Fringo replied, "They're Honma Five Star golf clubs I paid $32,000 for and I'm donating it to FruitMan "Bull Moose" Frugagg, a professional golfer who lives in BongBongSlibivia, that hostile, rogue nation that's had a civil war lasting an entire millennium. Why? It's the motherland. It's where my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents immigrated from a long, long time ago."
So, Donald Trump jumped inside the cart, shoving Fringo from behind the steering wheel and told the media, "Yes, I will be naming Fat Cat Fringo as Ambassador to BongBongSlibivia after he gives another generous multi-million dollar donation to one of my charities, which, by the way, means me."
Then Fringo looked over to Trump, then Thwait, then to the shivering, cowering members of the Ghost Town Water Department, his golfing partners for the afternoon and scolded, "It's a hole in one on all 18. Got it?! That's a fact! Any of you who dispute this - including you, Donald Trump - will be fired and I'll make it a point that you'll never, ever work in Ghost Town again. Ever!"
"And let me tell you jokers another thing," Donald Trump budded in, "If there is a leak of any kind that my friend and campaign contributor Fat Cat Fringo cheated on his score of 18 at my Colts Neck golf club, none of you guys will work anywhere in the world. No place. Understand?"