In a move experts say was inevitable, Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Washington Redskins, announced today that the team is changing its name; it will now be known as the Washington "White Devil Who Speaks with Forked Tongue Scalpers" a move cheered by Al Sharpton and nobody else.
"Yeah, our fans always said they didn't want us to change the name." Explained Snyder "But I just couldn't take the chance on getting 'Sterlinged' ya know?" He said, referring to disgraced LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, who was banned from the NBA for life after getting jealous over his girlfriend flirting with a black man, an incident caught secretly on tape and revealed by a heroic concerned citizen.
"I mean, racism has no place in our league; and I've learned over the last few days, from some Professors of White Studies, that I am a victim of White Privilege. I'm racist, without even realizing it, I can't help it, I'm white."
Residents of Middleton Township, New Jersey, reported that Vince Lombardi could be heard to be rolling about in his grave, but that was not confirmed.
Snyder saved his biggest surprise for last, however, when he announced "You know, I could get a pass on all this, 'cause I'm Jewish. There's no Jewish privilege, only white. But I'm not taking the easy way out. In order to ensure that I don't have any racist words or thoughts, I'm having myself placed into a self-induced coma. It's the only way to completely protect myself from slipping and maybe making the wrong kind of joke sometime or something. It'll be a hardship, but that's the commitment I'm willing to make to this team and these fans!"
We located some fans in a local sports bar, and asked them what they thought of the news. Their unanimous reaction was "Does that mean we can get rid of RG3?"
