Michael Sam: Players Don't Care If He's Gay

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 12 February 2014


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During the NFL Combine, the annual gathering of rookies to evaluate their NFL potential, general managers asked tight end Nick Kasa whether or not he "likes girls," or has a girlfriend. Linebacker Manti Te'o's sexuality was the "elephant in the room" after the social media hoax that was his love life was revealed.

Then, GM's and coaches, always off the record, were worried about whether he was gay.

Now, The NFL must deal with Michael Sam, potentially the first out gay player in the NFL, who for now is the first out major NFL prospect. Sam is known principally as a fierce and ferocious 260-pound Missouri defensive end, the 2013 SEC Defensive Player of the Year and a potential high-round pick in May's NFL draft.

He is the living embodiment of viciousness and controlled rage.

While GM's and coaches may have a problem with gays, that does not seem to be true of the NFL players, at least the ones I interviewed.

"This dude would be welcome in our locker room any time. I mean he knows how to fuck up opponents - injure and maim them. That's what the game is all about. It's total war and Sam's a proven warrior," said Julius Williams probably the best current pro defensive end.

The same sentiment was expressed by "Mean" Joe Green of the New York Jets:

"Anybody who plays offense against Michael Sam for four or five games is going to get repeated brain injuries. Later in life, I guarantee it, they'll be zombies. That's the kind of teammate I want. Hell I'll go to gay bars with him if he joins the Jets."

But just last year there were allegations by punter John Kluwe that his special teams coach in Minnesota expressed a desire to "round up all the gays, send them to an island, and then nuke it until it glows."

Regardless of the homophobia of football coaches and general managers, it's Michael Sam who'll be drafted to some NFL team who will do the "nuking" by fucking people up for the rest of their lives in America's favorite game.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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