The pressures of competition have become so great on today's professional tennis tours that the players just can't take it any more.
Following an explosion of crying by top players over the last 2 weeks in the latest Grand Slam tennis tournament, a revolutionary decision has been made by the committee for next year's event in South West London
For the first time in the tournament's history, night sessions will be introduced at the prestigious tournament. But this move is not designed to cater for a new evening audience watching the matches under the new concertina roof as many believed at first, but to allow upset players from the day sessions to take more time to play their matches.
Players will be briefed to take as much tme as they like, especially if things go against them.
In fact, from the 2013 Tournament, players who get upset when things go wrong will be allowed a 'Weep break' of varying length dependent on the size of the problem they face;
- a 'Quickie' will be allowed for players who lose their serve.
- a 'Midi' will be set aside for those who drop a set.
- a 'Maxi' can start should a match be lost.
Cry zones will be built at strategic spots around the site and these will be filled with tissues and the walls sound-proofed to allow players to let it all out should they need to as they take their Quickies, Midis and Maxis.
Yummy Mummies will be on hand to provide TLC to the male players as long as they subscribe to the view that all grown men are really 8 year-old boys with grazed knees. 'No sex please, we're British' signs will be posted on the Cry Zone walls to stop any 'hugs' going too far.
Showing their compassion for the worst possible eventuality, the Tournament Organisers have arranged for a Player Weepathon to be staged after all the finals have been completed for those who have lost.
A well known female TV sports presenter famous for her compassionate post match interviews and her ability to thrust a microphone into players' faces just as they about to break down in a snivelling mess has been hired to be the host for this last stage of the 2 week event.
A spokesman denied that this new initiative came about after pressure from the parent of a well known home player who apparently complained that her son was not being shown enough sensitivity, especially bearing in mind how the extreme atmospheric conditions created by the constant opening and closing of the Centre Court roof had played havoc with her son's bananas at the court-side, causing many to ripen even during the course of one tie-breaker, thereby exacerbating the pressure on him to eat the whole thing. 'It's bad enough carrying the hopes of the nation on his shoulders, let alone incurring the wrath of the fruit and veg costermongers at the New Covent Garden', she is alleged to have complained.
One ex Australian Champion from the years when the Aussies ruled the roost as far as Davis Cup and the Grand Slams were concerned, voiced his amazement at the new proposals; 'Look', he said,'When we were playing, you'd try to cry all the time. Mr Hopman wouldn't allow us any liquids once the match started, so drinking your own tears was the only way we could keep hydrated. I used to blab even when the Umpire called 'Time' at the changeover. You had to take every opportunity. I'm glad for the kids of today. Get it out in the open. Times have changed. Get those tear ducts working and let the floodgates open. That's what I say, mate'.
