Bolivian Dictator Courted By Manchester City - Stalls Over New Contract

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Friday, 6 July 2012


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Mercado Olimpica Del Satirista Ultras Reacted Negatively To The Breaking News.

Revolutionary Bolivian dictator and left sided midfielder, Colonel Juan San Andreas, is apparently stalling in talks with Mercado Olimpica Del Satirista of La Paz, over a contract extension after being feted by Manchester 'Moneybags' City.

San Andreas, currently on a salary of 100,000 patatas a week, including bonuses, is said to have had his head turned by City boss Roberto Mancini, who came in with an offer of £6 million a week and all the puntas the Colonel could eat.

Apparently, El Colonel was seriously impressed by the offer.

"I was impressed," he told the press pack. "Manchester City thrive on individuality and self expression. I have seen the You Tube footage, and the expressionists of Manchester City - people like Mario Balotelli and David Silva - and they are truly inspirational."

Mercado Olimpica Del Satirista head coach, Marco Lutonio could hardly mask his utter disgust as he addressed a TV camera crew from Channel Globo Moronica TV.

"I think San Andreas is playing games with us," he said. "It is not a good situation. We signed San Andreas, or 'Tricky' as we like to call him, as a promising 12 year old prospect. We nurtured him. He grew up with us; we taught him everything he knows. We taught him the old one-two, how to play the horseshoe defence, and how to punish the opposition on the break. And how does he repay us? He goes for the filthy lucre. That's what he does. I feel shocked and betrayed."

San Andreas hit the headlines recently when he accused his Mercado Olimpica Del Satirista team mates of being unprofessional, and lacking ambition. In one interview, which may have been indicative of times to come, he said:

"My team mates are not very good. They are more interested in sex and the pursuit of celebrities than in the beautiful game. They are sloppy. They pay no attention to pre-match preparations, and are simply happy to play the same old game - hoof the ball upfield and hope the crowd respond positively. And then they stamp their feet when things aren't going their way, even though their contribution to the game can only ever be regarded as an insult to their team mates. I am not altogether sure that I can continue to ply my trade in such a mediocre environment. Even our recent derby game against Globo Ridiculoso was an anticlimax, despite the fact that we had the La Paz Formation Pole Dancing team handing out complimentary blue pills. The occasion was flat - our opponents simply failed to rise to the occasion, continuing a trend which has been prevalent for many years."

Manchester City officials are reportedly delighted that San Andreas is considering a move to Europe.

"He'll be in his element here," said City's Director of Pie and Peas, Fred Elliot. "In Bolivia, there's an awful lot of racism and homophobia, and accusations of players trying to dictate the agenda. He won't get that at the Etihad - Manchester City is a tolerant club, one which nurtures individual talent and hones it to a razor sharp edge. San Andreas will be a brilliant acquisition, playing in a truly wonderful team. The way I see it, Mercado Olimpico Del Satirista's loss is Manchester City's gain. Eat your hearts out Sir Alex Ferguson and Marco Lutonio - Colonel Juan San Andreas will soon be one of ours. And ours alone."

"If I do sign for Manchester City," San Andreas said. "It certainly won't be for the money. Or for all the points I can eat. It will simply be because of my unstinting love for the beautiful game. I'm not tolerating playing alongside complacent tossers any longer. The world is my lobster!"

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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