Written by Ricardo Aparicio

Saturday, 20 May 2006

image for Mavs Lose Game Six; Dirk Rips Teammates, Himself, Existence
Nowitzki grabs a rebound he would later spend hours complaining about

Dallas, TX, USA - The San Antonio Spurs defeated the Dallas Mavericks Friday night, 91-86, to force a Game Seven showdown in San Antonio. Manu Ginobili and Tim Duncan were a lethal one-two punch for the Spurs, combining for 54 points and 18 rebounds.

In the loss, Dirk Nowitzki scored 26 and gathered a career playoff-high 21 rebounds, but was understandably not pleased with the outcome. In the postgame news conference, Nowitzki relayed many of his frustrations to the assembled media.

"If I could have done it over again, I would have passed out of it," said Nowitzki of his final shot attempt from the right corner, a desparation heave with former teammate Michael Finley covering him tightly. "It was stupid. Jeez, I can be so boneheaded sometimes. The (Maverick's coaching) staff has shown me that I have a terrible percentage in that situation, but I just - I panicked. Wow. You'd think I'd learn by now."

"We've had two chances and we didn't cash in either one. Now we have to beat the defending champs in their building in a game seven. We've made a real mess of things - I'm not happy about that."

Suddenly, Nowitzki's rants expanded beyond himself or the realm of the 2006 Conference Semifinals.

"And you know, I hate to keep harping on this - I kind of like Damp (Mavericks center Erick Dampier), but is he a (expletive deleted) waste of space out there or what? Michael Finley goes straight up in his face two games in a row and Damp doesn't do anything - just gets put on a poster. It's just like last year, when we were four-on-five out there against Yao Ming. This is (expletive deleted), and I'm tired of it."

Dirk continued, "And Jason Terry? Don't get me started. You're supposed to be this nice church-going guy, and you do that? What a moron. We needed him in game six, and he goes and pulls a Reggie Evans. How stupid are you?"

Nowitzki's rants quickly turned completely away from basketball.

"Who saw Mission Impossible III? Wasn't it God-awful? Whoever wrote it can go jump off a bridge somewhere. First the villian is this guy, then it's the other guy - we have no idea why, they just sort of throw it in there and we're supposed to just go along with it. And they have this elaborate break-in right inside the Vatican. Pretty good scene, but then in Shanghai they have to break into another heavily guarded building and we don't see any part of it beyond the stupid bungee jump? Christ, you're telling me the only hard part was getting to the building? Come on."

Nowitzki added, "Nice MacGuyver touch at the end with the shock-thing."

As Josh Howard, who scored 17 points for the Mavs, patiently waited for his turn to field questions, Dirk Nowitzki condemned everything from American drivers ("Stupid rednecks who never signal") to modern fiction ("A waste of everyone's time") to Texas weather ("My AC bill is outrageous and it's only May") to American Idol ("My favorite singer never makes it past the first four episodes - EVERY season") to the Nintendo DS ("I want my $200 back") to the brake pads on his car ("Four months I have this brand new car, and they're already squealing") to his hair ("I hate it long, I hate it short") to his computer ("Slower than Nick Van Exel running through a tar pit").

When, at 2:15 AM local time, the last member of the press corps left the room and shut out the lights, Dirk was still complaining about something or other.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Dallas, Tim Duncan

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