Ronaldo's Ego Escapes in Ukraine

Written by Matt Jenkins

Wednesday, 13 June 2012


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An artist's impression of Ronaldo's ego

Reports from Ukraine this evening claim that the ego of Portugese superstar Christiano Ronaldo has escaped and is currently on the loose in the city of Lviv. The footballer had been celebrating his national team's thrilling victory over Denmark in the Euro 2012 tournament when it emerged his ego had departed his body and set off into the dead of night.

Ukranian authorities confirmed the dramatic news in a press conference held just minutes ago, according to Reuters. In a statement by Chief of National Security Yaroslav Ivanovski, the public have been warned not to approach Ronaldo's ego if encountered and to be extra vigilant if frequenting night clubs and bars.

Eyewitness accounts of the moment of escape tell of the pin-up socialising in a hotel bar with friends and team mates when a brief scuffle ensued and his sizable ego was suddenly running amok in the hotel lobby. Following several attempts to apprehend their quarry, hotel security guards were forced to alert authorities to the escape when the ego eventually left the building and boarded a bus heading to the city.

Immediately following the escape, the physical body of the footballer was apparently observed sitting alone in the hotel lounge reading a paperback by the popular "Chick-Lit" novelist Marian Keyes. Natalia Marchenko, an employee of the hotel said, "He was suddenly a different man. First of all he tripped carrying a tray of drinks and spilt red wine down his trousers, then he declined to sign an autograph on a woman's breasts in case his mother found out about it." Another eyewitness, Isydora Lippnik claimed, "He kept getting his words mixed up but managed to talk to me for a full 10 minutes without realising he had a booger sticking out the end of his nose."

Meanwhile, fresh claims have emerged that his rampant ego has been caught attempting to steal several pots of hairgel from a leading Lviv department store. Unconfirmed reports suggest the ego eluded arrest by accusing another shopper perusing the same product of placing 17 pots of gel into his bag. Following insincere handshakes between the two parties, Ronaldo's ego had apparently fled empty-handed before store detectives could make a note of his name in their book.

At the time of writing Ronaldo's ego is said to still be at large in the city. Yaroslav Ivanovski has stated that "everything is being done" to apprehend the ego and reported that the National Security Service has enlisted the help of the army and "every possible source" to return the ego to its body. This is said to include Ronaldo's team manager Paulo Bento, who is "desperate" to reunite his star player's ego and body for a forthcoming group match with Holland, not to mention his wife and her missing Marian Keyes paperback.

Copyright - Matthew Jenkins, June 2012

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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