In response to sagging television ratings and decreased interest, the International Olympic Committee has decided to allow athletes the use of performance-enhancing drugs and has abandoned all urine and blood analysis.
"We had dismal ratings for the Winter Olympics this years", Olympic Committee spokesperson Jason Felder said at a news conference. "We would have a much greater viewership if the Games were more exciting. We will not make the same mistake for the Summer Games."
Most of the athletes expressed enthusiasm at the Committee's decision. "We've been doping up for years anyway", said speed skater Tonya Michaels, "Just now we won't have to hide it. You don't think I got these powerful thighs and tight ass from exercise alone, do you?"
US Super-Heavyweight weightlifter Todd Rogers expressed relief at the decision. "I was so afraid I was gonna get caught this time", he remarked. "Now I can take my ‘medications' without fear of being tossed off the team".
International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said that he was sick and tired of perfectly good athletes being ousted from the Games for taking cold medications or attempting to better themselves in any way possible. "We now encourage athletes to do whatever it takes to be the best they can be", he said. "With this long-overdue decision form the Committee we will now see records broken like never before. Runners will run faster. Weightlifters will be lifting twice what they could before. Gymnasts will be able to perform acrobatics that the world has never seen! I anticipate the entire world will be watching the Games this year without exception. Advertising revenues will go through the roof!"
A very small percentage of athletes did not welcome the news so quickly. "I'm allergic to some of those drugs", said African marathon runner Xula Kinte. "I am #1 in the world but I won't stand a chance this time".
After this interview Kinte was assured by doctors that hypo-allergenic performance enhancing drugs were now available and he was noticeably relieved. "Olympics move you ass here I come!" Kinte exclaimed excitedly.
Olympic financial spokesperson Delores Johansen said this move will enable the Olympic Committee to save money. "It only makes goos fiscal sense to abandon the drug testing", she stated, "drug testing costs thousands of dollars per athlete. We will now be able to make the Games profitable without destroying the good names of the athletes."
Dr. Harvey Johnson, the US Olympic Committee's chief of Medicine said that this could be the best thing for the athletes. "As long as they are taking the drugs under a doctors supervision they will be fine", he stated. "It's only dangerous when they take the drugs off the street and try to hide it from urinalysis that it becomes a problem. The athletes will be much healthier if they don't go downing all those cover-ups agents. That's where the real health threats lie".
Dr. Johnson recommends anabolic steroids for weight-lifters, gymnasts, short distance runners and anyone doing strength training. He also recommended Human Growth Hormone to aid distance runners in their recovery capacity and, in particular, help female runners build up strength and endurance. He did advise against wanton use of amphetamines as the could cause a hear attack. "But they will make you run a little faster so the choice is yours", Dr. Johnson continued.
The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is opposed to the Olympic Committee's decision. "We have spent years trying to prevent people from taking drugs and enjoying themselves", said WADA spokesperson Francois Egalite. "We can't have athletes taking things like androstenediol, androstenedione, bolasterone, boldenone, clenbuterol, clostebol, danazol, dehydrochlormethyltestosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), dihydrotestosterone, drostanolone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, gestrinone, mesterolone, metandienone, metenolone, methandriol, methyltestosteroiie, mibolerone, nandrolone, 19-norandrostenediol, 19-norandrostenedione, norbolethone, norethandrolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, salbutamol, stanozolol, testosterone and trenbolone! " It just wouldn't be right!
The newly-enhanced Olympics will be held in Turin this year. Turin officials are making the drugs available on an "as wanted" basis.
