Written by Teddy Silver

Friday, 28 October 2011

Manchester City F.C. said Thursday it has no intention of selling sometimes footballer Carlos Tevez to Corinthians in the January transfer window, instead opting to trigger a contract clause that would see the out-of-favour Argentinean serve as a door stop for the under 18's changing room for the entirety of his contract.

The mancunian club, which is currently so rich in penetrative talent that it accidentally got Kerry Katona pregnant during the 6-1 demolition of rivals Manchester United on Sunday, said that the player will also assume the role of boot cleaner, hot-dog hander-outer and training ground handyman until his contract runs out in 2014.

City said it had considered a host of other slightly less expensive options to prop open the under 18's away-team changing room door, including Sarah Jessica Parker's nose and a solid gold replica of the premier league winner's trophy, but said the extra outlay would be worth it when a dozen puberty stricken teenagers kicked mud all over Tevez and handed him their semen/mud-stained pants to wash for the next fixture.

"It's true that we could get someone to these jobs for a salary of about £15,000 a-year," said City spokesperson Jeremy Klint. "But there something about being able to make that little pug-faced scrotum do it for the rest of his tenure here that's incredibly satisfying - even if he is earning £200,000 a week".

The move has been met with a mixed reaction from fans, with some urging the club to "get rid of the un-loyal, orc-resembling premadonna", while others expressed their desire for the club to reconcile with a player considered to be an "almighty talent" on the football pitch. In response the club left a message on its website stating "he's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

Sources close to the club have only been able to speculate whether City will actually go through with the move, with some suggesting that the club may let Tevez go for a cut price in the next window, ultimately granting the player his well documented desire to return to Mordor and be spend more time with his family.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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