There were 84 spoof news snippets published in October 2019. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
FDA Issues New Health Warning about Drinking Gasoline
Trump supporters should cut back to one 8oz. glass of 89 proof octane per day.
President Trump Reveals that He is The Joker
"I use orange make-up to make my hideous clown face look more normal!"
Make the Old Testament Great Again
Evangelicals prefer Old God's wrath and ignorance over Christ's "hippy-dippy" messaging.
Patriotic Americans to Boycott Turkeys this Thanksgiving
Showing solidarity with the betrayed Kurds.
Studies Prove that MAGA Hats Severely Decrease Emotional Quotients
Trump supporters responded with "Lock them up, lock them up"!
Trump Hails the United States Constitution as a Great Work of Fiction
He views the piece on a par with today's Harry Potter series.
White House Leaks State that Trump is Locked in His Bedroom
Insiders say that Trump is ranting about all of existence being fake.
Mystery over Mike Pence's Pained Expression Revealed
Sources claim that Pence feels "sodomized by facts", thus explaining VP's perpetual, anal-grimace.
Cher wants to invade Syria
Singer Cher has threatened to invade Syria with her voice and everybody has been startled by her threat. Turkish Prez Erdogan has closed his border in line with Cher's seemingly mad intention.
Prez Kim to conquer Paris
North Korean President Kim Jong Ung has announced he will climb the Eiffel Tower in Paris but with a small difference. He will do so on his hands just to show the cynics what he is made of. Yeay Kim!
Missing Flight Pilot Reappears!
The pilot of missing Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 has shown up at a Cher concert as a backing singer on her hit song If I Could Turn Back Time. He quickly absconded the venue at conclusion of song.
Cher has something to say
American performer Cher has released a statement today denying all knowledge of a statement she made twenty years ago that denied she made any logical statements ever in her illustrious career. Gosh!
Chinese meets American
An American farmer has discovered a Chinese man hiding in his wheat paddock. Apparently the oriental individual was seen tunnelling from under the soil leading people to think he started in China.
Third Leg For Former Aussie PM
Former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced he will have an operation to attach a third leg to his body."God knows I need one" he claimed after watching Jake the Peg video.
Swift to be new president of Kazakhstan
American singer Taylor Swift is planning to run for public office. She wants to be President of Kazakhstan. Only God and some dim witted adviser know why she is doing this. Swift is sick of singing.
Henson Studios Makes a Dark Confession
Vladimir Putin is really an evil Muppet.
President Trump to be Awarded the Order of Lenin
For money-laundering, corruption, and treason against the United States of America.
Woman Thrown Out of Public Swimming Pool
For bringing her emotional support octopus in the water with her.
The NRA Journal of Medicine Concludes
There is no conclusive evidence of gunshot wounds being harmful or fatal.
President Trump Makes Desperate Call to President Erdogan
"Can you pull your troops back to the starting line? I would like a do-over!"
Fatal Vegas Shooting Blamed on Toddler Flashcards
Man shoots fellow player for having a yellow-duckling card up his sleeve.
President Trump Opens Up about Collusion with Russia
With the Mueller report neutralized, Trump speaks candidly about his collusion with Russia to Fox News.
written by C/L, 22 October 2019
Malawian Leader Forces Citizens to Watch Him Eat Live on TV; Smacks Lips Profusely.
A Malawian leader has recently come under fire. He recently forced all of his citizens to watch him eat dinner. The problem arose when he started smacking his lips loudly chewing a "Malawi Steak".
written by Jahknee Turkle, 22 October 2019
My good friend, Skip Recap, is going to change his name.
He says he feels like he’s missing out on too much.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 October 2019
Kim running for Presidency
Kim Kardashian has announced she is running for President of Armenia. The cosmetically-enhanced individual wants to be an all-powerful head of state, and to outlaw freedom of speech. Give it your best, Kim!
Kim wants the North Korean Presidency
Kim Kardashian has announced she is running for the Presidency of North Korea. However, no one has had the heart to tell her that such an attempt is impossible given its present totalitarian state.
Kim running for Cuba
Kim Kardashian has announced she is running for the Presidency of Cuba. Once someone tells her about the history of this communist state she might have second thoughts. Pull the other one, Kim!!
Kim fed up with candidacy
After concurrently announcing running for Presidents of North Korea, Cuba and Armenia, Kim Kardashian has withdrawn her candidacy on health grounds. Insanity is a problem in her family, one supposes.
Trudeau back as PM
Justin Trudeau has just been returned as Prime Minister of Canada. Now he wants to introduce permanent laws banning blackface impersonators from performing in public. Guess he learnt his lesson.
Trudeau banning black
Justin Trudeau, recently reelected as Canada's PM, wants to introduce laws banning all black animals from appearing in public lest the citizens feel insulted by their brazened behaviour. Great Scott!
ISS in new laughing record
Astronauts on the International Space Station have broken the world record for the longest time laughing in one moment. Apparently, a Russian laughed for 237-and-a-half minutes after telling a joke.
Minogue's new gender
Pop diva Kylie Minogue has refuted claims that she is a female, and says she identifies as "a spirit dweller of the Amazons". Minogue once even claimed to be the reincarnation of Elvis but then relented.
Ed and the preacher
Singer Ed Sheeran has declared himself to be the second coming of Elvis Presley. When questioned by a Church of England rector if he was confusing identities, Ed ran for the nearest heart break hotel.
Tiger's warning to kids
Golfer Tiger Woods says that children collecting all his stray golf shots will be punished in eternity by being made to watch all seven of his major wins. You have been told, Charlie Brown!
Trump has had enough
President Trump today confused the word "fuck" with truck when he said that he had had enough of the impeachment inquiry, and wanted to "truck off for a while to the Florida everglades". What the truck!!
Camels are to blame
Camels are being held responsible for climate change affecting global temperatures. Camels emit methane every time they chow down on a Big Mac or cheeseburger. They could be banned from Maccas, yes?
Trump and Brando
President Trump has appointed former actor Marlon Brando as a charity ambassador for UNESCO. When told that Brando is no longer alive, Trump replied "Dohl!!!". Next question Mister President.
Beyonce is the lady
Pop performer, Beyoncé, says that Jay Zee has nothing on her charisma and popular appeal. "I'm the lady, know what I mean?" she maintained amid rumours that her fiancé wants to leave the relationship.
Lacrosse not such a friendly game
Captain of the Uruguay lacrosse team has been kidnapped by fans sympathetic to the Ecuador lacrosse team who were beaten following a friendly between the two countries on Saturday. What for guys?
Court martial for Roy
Sergeant Roy Bottletop, of the Royal Blackwatch, has been court-martialled for impersonating Theresa May, former UK PM, at a "do" attended by the Queen. No one was impressed by his shrill voice.
Adult Coloring Books to Blame for Trump Presidency
If real adults weren't busy coloring, then infantile adults would never have been able to elect Trump.
Private Spying Firm Black Rectangle Publishes New 'How to' Guide
'How to Manipulate and Intimidate Victims of Powerful Hollywood Predators into Silence'.
New Gun Study Findings
Gun owners would give them up if they couldn't potentially harm or kill someone with them.
Putin Promises Trump Help in the 2020 Presidential Elections
After he is finished carving up Syria with Ergodan, Assad, ISIS, and the Iranians.
Trump Confuses Marx with Fast Food Mogul
Ukrainian President Zelensky explained that "Marx was a political philosopher, not a "German Colonel Sanders".
More Red States Expected to Pass Stand Your Ground Laws
To give Nationalists an excuse to shoot people they don't like.
National Premature Ejaculation Day Cancelled
National Premature Ejaculation Day, scheduled to be observed October 25, has been cancelled because, unfortunately, it came a day early again this year.
written by P.J. Maggitti, 25 October 2019
Rudy Guiliani's Butt Dial Means Trouble for Trump
It may be the first time that butt-dialing lands Trump in jail instead of a porn star's bed.
written by C/L, 26 October 2019
God flushes toilet
...then has to get out plunger and flush a couple more times.
written by pinkwalrus, 27 October 2019
Fischer Price Discontinues Baby's First Hooka Toy
White Nationalist parents complained that the toy is too "middle-eastern".
SNL Continues to Keep Intelligent People in Stitches Over Trump Presidency
Meanwhile humorless Nationalists continue to fume!
All Purpose Flour to be Banned from Certain Colleges
Politically correct militants complain that the "white flour" threatens their safe spaces on campus.
Mr. Clean's Skinhead Image to Be Cleaned Up
Famous mascot will now be non-binary with an ethnically-ambiguous light-tan.
Trump Campaign to Market Lock Her Up Dashboard Figurine
Bobble-head Hillary Clinton comes complete with her own toy cage.
Trump Mistakes Chaplin Films for Hitler's Hipster Days
Trump confuses Chaplin movies for documentaries about Hitler's transformation from misguided hipster, into a famous Nazi puke.
Trump loses dog
Donald Trump's pet dog, Terminator, has been stolen by a gang of Ukrainian terrorists who climbed over the White House fence and made off with the pooch. Reports suggest they are now in the dog house.
Lohan the man
Actor/performer Linsey Lohan has announced she will have a sex change and revert to the "true masculine" side of her personality. "I'm a bloke goddamn!" she insisted while punching out her trainer.
Bomber caught in Vegas
Las Vegas Police have arrested a man who tried to blow up the MGM Grand casino. The individual was carrying a candle attached to a cheap firework but was spotted just in time by a geriatric gambler.
Parrot runs for high office
A speaking parrot has announced it is running for the US presidency next year. It will run as an independent because it values its freedom and willingness to squeal at the right time.
Cher taking on Everest
Performer Cher is planning to climb Mount Everest where she will sing in the highest concert performance in history. Lets hope she stays up there for some considerable time said the Daily News.
Mont Blanc ready for Boris
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson will ski down the slopes of Mont Blanc if he gets his Brexit plan through parliament. He has never skied any where before, so Boris has a huge challenge ahead of him.
Swedish authorities have arrested a man with one leg who tried to rob a department store of its window dummy. The man claimed he needed someone to restore his other leg so this was the easiest option.
Miley admits the obvious
Performer Miley Cyrus says she doesn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they cause her to sing out of tune. This is ironic as she always sings out of tune according to her ex-manager.
U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham Encouraged to Come Out of the Closet
His angry Nationalist act isn't fooling anyone.
written by C/L, 28 October 2019
Man Bitten on Penis by Neighbors' Dog
Dog thought man was feeding him a sausage treat.
written by C/L, 31 October 2019
The Trump Family Appear to Be Consolidating All Their Wealth and Possessions and Moving to Their Castle in Spain
Rudy Giuliani insists that it's just a coincidence, and has nothing to do with the impeachment probe.
written by Al N., 01 October 2019
Trump So Upset With Whistleblower, He Forbids Whistling Inside White House...
...staff now forced to just hum songs by Drake, Beyonce, and Boxcar Willie.
written by Stefano M. Stefano, 01 October 2019
"I'm still thinking . . . ."
Call me paranoid, and maybe I’ve read too much sci fi over the years, but when I make a request for Siri, and she responds with “Wait a minute. I’m still thinking . . . ," I get worried.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 October 2019
In Small Town News...
...Grandpa needs new socks.
written by Stefano M. Stefano, 04 October 2019
Iranian Women May Now Attend Football Games
However, they must remain blindfolded and accompanied by a male family member who will give a play-by-play description of the action.
written by Amiko Aventurista, 10 October 2019
Guitarist Arrested for Assault
After smashing her air-guitar over a heckler's head.
written by C/L, 07 October 2019
MIT Robotics Lab Researchers Heartbroken
When robot is arrested for becoming an opioid vending machine.
written by C/L, 08 October 2019
TESLA soliciting FART sounds for S3 updates
TESLA wants your fart sounds! CEO Elon Musk invited all potential famous farts to submit their "inner sounds" online for "The S3 Good Thing" car farts contest. What a Classical Gas! Is it YOUR fart?
written by Madame George, 08 October 2019
"Mar-a-Lago not injury directive" - Lego Rep.
In a confused statement, Lego toys denied any involvement with an outbreak of broken legs among rugby players, and strongly denounces any misuse of their toys for any reason - especially spelling.
written by Madame George, 08 October 2019
Trump Replaces Constitution
With original copy of Art of the Deal, in the Capitol Rotunda.
written by C/L, 10 October 2019
Cherokees Invade Georgia with Trump's approval
In a phone call to the head of the Cherokee Federation, Donald Trump gave a thumbs up to the long-anticipated Cherokee invasion of Georgia. "The Georgians weren't on our side in the Civil War."
written by Ralph E. Shaffer, 10 October 2019
Trump to Charge the American People Rent
"I'm the Landlord and Chief. You all owe me!"
written by C/L, 10 October 2019
In Small Town News...
...Mr. Emmet Throckmorton bought some nice brown shoe laces that were on sale. Good for you, sir!
written by Stefano M. Stefano, 11 October 2019
San Francisco police unsure of what to do over new vape flavor
A man was caught illegally vaping flavored vape juice in San Francisco. He told cops that he was a recovering homosexual and that his semen and feces flavored vape was therapeutic. Cops let him go.
written by Purple Girl, 13 October 2019
Trump Unveils New Line of Golf Equipment
'Quid Pro Quo Clubs' expected to be a big hit with authoritarian golfers.
written by C/L, 16 October 2019
Cadbury's Chocolate Egg Stork Diaper Gift Candy Discontinued
Hershey spokeswoman says, "The baby shower candy is too on the nose".
Netflix Original Series Premier of The Oligarch Couple
A new show starring Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman in Federal prison.
Yoga Practitioner Fined in Central Park Defecation Incident
After performing 'Squatting-Dog' pose, and refusing a police order to pick up the resulting excrement.
Mitch McConnell Releases New Book Entitled My Life as a Turtle Man
Chronicling his heartbreaking rise to power as a corrupt southern mutant-turtle.