Spoof news snippets from Saturday 7 April 2012

Ken Livingstone has fight with Boris Johnson in a lift.

The most exciting thing to happen in a lift since Stephen Fry tweeted a photo of himself stuck in a lift.

Imogen Thomas to write tell all book about money she made from Giggs affair.

Book to be called "Thomas The Taff earner"

Celtic win the SPL with 6-0 win at Kilmarnock.

20 points clear of Rangers who had points deducted.
At least the boat race was a two horse race - if ya get my drift...

Boat race delayed by man swimming in Thames.

Some people will do anything to avoid buying 3D tele and glasses.

Spanish sides dominate in Europa League

Athletic Bilbao, Valencia and Athletic Madrid all reach semi-finals. Rumours Wigan Athletic (with Spanish manager Roberto Martinez) are to be given a wild card have been denied.

Boat Race Becomes Vaguely Interesting

'The multiple incidents during this year's boat race,' concluded a BBC reporter, 'have made this irrelevant competition between over-privileged toffs more interesting than it has been for decades.'

The Titanic Continues To Claim Victims

'If I hear one more thing in the media about the bloody Titanic,' said a typical member of the British public, 'I'm going to drown myself.'

Aussie cricketer compliments English heckler

"Great Slate Mate"

New Rules To Be Introduced So Teachers Can Be Sacked Easily

'A culture of bullying and fear will encourage good teaching,' said a government spokesman. 'Success of this policy will be judged by increases in stress related illnesses and suicide among teachers.'

Nicki Minaj in New York without her trousers.

Damn, I suppose I'll have to give em back...

British Fighter Jet Shot Down By US Friendly Fire

Flight Lieutenant Alan Baxter told MOD investigators "They waved cheerily, blew kisses and then blasted us out of the sky"

Kim Kardashian dating Kanye West

Kan ye be serious? Go West young man!

Jason Biggs Attacked by Monkeys

He had it coming...

Jennifer Aniston Has a Secret Half Brother

Damn! Bad luck Jennifer. One more guy who you can't marry and live happily ever after with...

Beyonce Releases Personal Photos On Tumblr

That's a coincidence, I often release personal stuff when the words Beyonce & fumblr come to mind.

Safe Containing $10M Stolen From Home in LA

Hey, why waste a dollar buying a lottery ticket?

Vicar cancels Easter Sunday sermon

"I've got a ticket to the big match - Arsenal v Man City at the Emirates"

Loose Women in virus outbreak chaos (AOL headline)

Mad cow disease?

Natasha Giggs to star in first ever Welsh Tv Reality Show

S4C announced the first ever Welsh reality tv show today, expected to be a rival to 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' Natasha Giggs will star in her own show called 'Getting Jiggy With The Giggsy'

Maida Vale minicab driver buys Saddam Hussein's fighter jet

Well that will help him beat the traffic.

Man struck by Birmingham Police vehicle!

A spokesman for the force urged any witnesses to the accident to contact them.

"I nearly got hit by of the three Nottingham police vehicles yesterday!"

A Dutch company is launching a vehicle which can be driven on land, or flown in the air!

The Personal Air and Land Vehicle that can be configured as a gyrocopter, requiring a 540 ft runway to take-off, or as a three wheeled car!

"Idea for Britain's police?"

UKgov.com: New tobacco strategy?

60% of public say ban smoking in cars with passengers, 46% oppose banning smoking in public parks!

More bans may cripple the Bulgarian and Lithuanian illegal fag importers! Civil rights and all that!

Phoen hacking and closure of News of The World costs News International £240 million

The most financially humbling set of accounts in Rupert Murdochs life?

Tulisa gets £250,000 pay rise to stay on the X Factor

Lets hope she doesn't 'blow it' all at once

Gay MP attacks Government plans for Gay Marriage

Ben Bradshaw says gay people don't need the word 'marriage'
"Why should gay people be as unhappy as heterosexuals?"

Cricket: England 'Great Great Great'

England beat Sri Lanka by eight wickets.
After the game they went back to the hotel and ate Easter eggs.

James Murdoch quits Murdoch family.

James Murdoch has stepped down as James Murdoch and will now be known as James Smith.
He receives a pay-off of £2 million dollars with undisclosed share options.

David Cameron admits to eating humble pie.

Just not sure where or when he ate it, and whether it was hot or cold.

Virgin Atlantic admit employee leaked flights of celebrities to paparazzi

Why doesn't Richard Branson's Virgin empire just cut out the middle men and publish their own gossip newspaper and magazine?

Nigella Lawson revealed as long lost 'Kardashian Kousin'

Hmmm... that figures...
An angle for a new reality show maybe -

Kan (Sorry Can) The Kardashians Kooc (sorry Cook)

Chinese teenager sells kidney to raise money for iPad.

iKid. You not.

Tulisa admits she was 'very drunk when sex tape was filmed'

Kind of makes ya feel bad for marking it 4 out of 10...

Third time lucky for area in Lottery.

Nottingham couple scoop £4 million on lottery, the third big win of the year from the area. Previous winners scooped £40m and £46m.
The three are now worth more than the rest of Nottingham combined

'Christ, don't take me yet,' Venezuelan president Chavez weeps, as health fears grow

Some in the crowd swear they heard a voice from on high say, "Eat three hot cross buns and call me in the morning."

Kim Kardashian to star in new travel reality tv show

Kim Kardashian in Kashmir (India).
Should be good for bikini weather.

Country of Mali to get new newspaper to take mind off the troubles

The Daily Mali will feature royals, musicians, and reality tv stars in bikini's, plus articles on how hard it is to be so beautiful by Samantha Brick.
The Daily Mali will also have a packed website.

A message from the Government:

Happy New (Tax) Year
As a small token, we are giving you a 5p gift in the pound.
Don't spend it all at once (on petrol or pasties)
And finally, don't forget to vote for us...

Sky News admit to hacking emails.

"As a member of the News International family we were feeling a bit left out!"

Harry Hill to make Falklands Documentary

"Now I like the name Falklands - but I also like the name Malvines - but which one is better?
There's only way to find out... Fiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhttt!!!

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 13

Exam cancelled

The Invisibility A-Level at Northampton College has been cancelled this week, as nobody turned up. "We're going to give them all A* anyway," said one invigilator. "On the off chance they were there."

IT worker turns himself in for urinating on colleague's chairs!

The Des Moines Register reports that 59-year-old Raymond Foley turned himself in to face a charge of second-degree criminal mischief!

Ioaan man charged

"Maybe they pissed him off?"

Men arrested after deputy finds calf in backseat

3 men found with a 220lb calf in the backseat of their car, are accused of cattle rustling. They were jailed for suspicion of larceny of livestock, and a lack of a bill of sale.

"It's no bull!"

Walkers 'Texting lane' for pedestrian Texter's installed!

The April Fools' Day prank is one way city officials, in particular Mayor Michael Nutter, are trying to draw attention to the danger of inattentive pedestrians in Phili.

":)"

George Osborne 'happy' to reveal politicians' tax data

Chancellor George Osborne has said he would be "very happy" for the government to consider publishing the personal tax returns of ministers.

"Lying Git!"