Taliban commander turns himself in, demands $100 reward
Mustaf Bin Awanker identified himself at a checkpoint in Eastern Afghanistan and asked for his reward. I Zheet M'Drurz,the translator, laughed so hard, he lived up to his name, and shat himself
Council Accused of Wasting Money
Stoke-on-Trent council are to spend £10,000 on DVDs to show tenants how to do basic DIY jobs. This is a waste of money as most tenants cannot afford a TV licence, let alone a DVD player.
New TV show for dogs launches in the US
It will not be shown in the UK because dogs do not have licences.
Living afterbirth Abu Qatada blocks deportation to Jordan with appeal to European 'ooman rights judges.......is there nobody in this insidious Coalition Government with a pair of balls?
Queen invites despot to her Jubilee lunch
In return the King of Bahrain has promised her F1 race tickets for Wills and Harry.
Maddie sighting in Costa Del Sol?
That's the front cover of the Daily Express sorted for the next week.
UK clampers clamp Meals on wheels van!
UK Clampers, better known as Highway thugs, clamped a meals on wheels van. The driver called the charitable "Hairy Bikers" and they threatened to punch the Clampers lights out; it was removed!
written by Jaggedone, 18 April 2012
Beverley man killed by poetry reading
During a raucous poetry slam session in an upstairs room at the Golden Lion pub in Beverley, an old sash window fell out of its frame and landed on a passer-by below.
written by Joe Leff, 18 April 2012
Will.I.A.M. on date with Geri Halliwell
I'll tell you what he wants what he really really wants...
(but where is the love?)
Woman watches her boyfriend die via skype.
You don't see that on Big Brother.
Quatada to be put on a plane says Theresa May
The Independent raises price to £1.20
The broadsheet is now the same price as the Guardian and The Telegraph.
Instead of paying 20p more for the Indy you could just buy 'i' a smaller version of the Independent for 20p...
Double for the Germans...
Nico Rosberg wins the Chinese Grand Prix.
Bayern Munich beat Real Madrid 2-1 in the Champions League.
They say these things come in threes...
BBC Radio celebrates William Shakespeare
By sacking Alan Carr from radio 2.
Rage Against the Machine vs Ted Nugent
Zack de la Rocha -"This current administration [Bush] should be tried, hung and shot."
Ted Nugent - "If you can't go home and get everybody in your life to clean house of the vile, evil America-hating administration,[Obama]I don't even know what you are made of."
PICK YOUR POISON
"Gottle og Geer!"
'Deathbed' Robert Mugabe to make speech at rally, doubtless he'll be 'worked behind' while sitting on his successors knee and drinking a pint of Stella!!
"You want fries wid dat?"
UK unemployment fell in the 3 months to Feb according to 'official (doctored)figures, now only 2.65million unemployed, quick, open more burger joints and get them all working!!
Find Your Nearest Criminal
The Metropolitan Police Service have invented an app in which you can identify unknown criminals who live by you. Apparently you are never more than 10 feet away from one.
BBC redundancy payments cost almost £277m in seven years
I'm sure I've heard this story before - typical BBC repeats.
Send Children to School with a Cold
To fight against truancy, parents are advised to send their children to school even if they have a cold to escape a £60 fine. Meanwhile, teachers have been issued with facemasks to combat infection.
Taleban Are Thinking of Using Chuggers
Desperate for cash to help them with their insurgency in Afghanistan, the Taleban are appealing to the Muslim world for financial help. They are considering employing George Galloway as a chugger in Bradford.
Tu Pac (RIP 1996) rises from dead as a hologram at Coachella
Tu Pac rapped, If there's something strange in your neighborhood/Who you gonna call? -Ghostbusters! /If there's something weird and it don't look good/Who you gonna call?-Ghostbusters!
Worlds oldest marathon runner joins Esex gym.
Fauja Singh, 101, has joined the Ilford Fitness First gym.
He said its cheaper than sitting at home with the heating on.
Dutch bug cookbook launched to stir taste for insects!
"Insect Cookbook", the move towards the introduction of insects on restaurant menus in the Netherlands.
"Caramelized locust, meat pie sprinkled with worms, Cockroach grill etc, all full of protein!"
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 24
Labour has its biggest lead over Tories in polls since general election!
Due no doubt to the 'pasty taxes' and 'granny taxes' since the budget last month?
Pluto No Longer Mickey Mouse Cartoon Character
Pluto, originally classified as a Disney character often seen in the company of Mickey Mouse, has been reclassified as a dwarf Disney character, and will now spend most of his time with Snow White.
written by Chrissy Benson, 18 April 2012