Spoof news snippets from Thursday 12 April 2012

Rape on Increase in Farming Community

In the drought-stricken areas of the UK, farmers are being forced to resort to rape. "It's such a versatile, quick growing and high yield crop that requires little water!" one farmer was heard to say.

Credit card hackers hack Spoofers account; bastards!

Jaggedone has just has his credit card account hacked by some fucking hackers who should be hang-drawn and quartered; miserable bastards! Credit card users beware they even cracked my security code!

Real Working Mom Ann Romney

So how many housemaids, butlers, cooks, gardeners, baby sitters, nannies, window cleaners and tutors did this "couple of Cadillacs" driving mom really have?

UFO Appears on the Face of Belgian Girl

Not only has Belgian girl, Kimberly Vlaminck, 18, had 56 stars tattooed on her face, a UFO was found just above her right eyebrow. It turned out to be a bit of toast & marmalade which stuck there.

God, its hot in here!

Icelandic Volcanoes to power British homes..."better clear the lounge out dear they are delivering ours tomorrow between 7am-7pm"

Have Patients

Inquiry into overnight patient discharges........must stop serving Rhubard pie for sweet!

A Topsy Turvey World

Progressives would have us believe that right is wrong, up is down, black is white, in is out, etc. Their latest defamation? Obama is Reagen!!!

Obama Comments on the Titanic

Commenting on the 100th anniversary of the Titanic's sinking, The One said "I always loved that story. As a kid I'd dream of being a captain and going down in glory with the ship."

Pope celebrates Easter Mass

I had a few people over to my gaff, now I got an Eater mess.

Robin Van Persie ends 4 game goal drought with penalty v Wolves.

Fernando Torres and Andy Carrol have been in touch to offer their congratulations.

Rick Santorum drops out of race for Republican President Nominations

He's decided to enter the Grand National race instead.

Kofi Annan tops Syrian itunes chart

With cover version of 'Stop The Violence'

Liverpool to consider Rush goalie for FA Cup semi

Well i doubt Ian Rush could play out on field now a his age.

Synchronised confirmed runner for Grand National

Lets hope there's not a downpour - or it could be Synchronised swimming

Jesus to sure Andrew Lloyd Webber.

For 30 years of theatre royalties and now an ITV1 talent show.

F***ed it up!

Kick It Out have criticized Uefa's decision to fine Man City more for their late appearance for the 2nd half against Sporting Lisbon than previous punishments for other clubs for racial abuse.

Government to monitor every email sent - LATEST

Gary Glitter to sell computer.

Leyton Orient website reported to Trading Standards

'The highlights of Mondays 3-0 defeat to bottom four Exeter City are now on Player'

What highlights????!!!!!

United slip-up is music to Mancini's ears

'I dreamed a dream'

Wolves 0 Arsenal 3

Wolves go Wandering as the Gunners gun them down.

Four Four Theo?!

Arsenal striker Theo Walcott is hoping boss Arsene Wenger changes his formation next season so he can play in his preferred position as striker.

Eggs-treme Couponing?!

Fulham have brought 12 hens to live at their Motspur Park training ground to try to save £5,000 in the annual cost of providing the players with eggs.

Bah humbug?!

Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini was sent a packet of his favourite sweets by an eight-year-old fan to cheer him up following Sunday's defeat to Arsenal (From today's Metro)

Steve Coppell joins Crawley Town as director of football.

Lets hope he lasts longer than the 33 days he was in charge at Man City (when they were a 'shower of shite')

Tottenham captain LeadKnee King offered new contract

A walk on part in Casualty. Well, limp on to be precise.

Athletico Wigan 1 Manchester United 0

Man United's nightmare run against Spanish teams (*) continues as players suffer unscheduled 90 minute siesta..

(* Valencia, Athletico Bilbao, Barcelona...)

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 18

Good News: 'We'll live longer!'

Experts warned that pensioners could "run out" of cash as a result of a retirement timebomb sparked by people living longer.

"You can't win can you!"

Rooney forgot to put his "Wig-an" and he got blown away!

Wayne Rooney lost his "Wig-an" got blown away last night by a team of fighters; United only had toothless tigers on display; just one shot all evening, pathetic! Roll on the Derby!

11 April 2012: Wigan 1 - Manchester United 0

Isn't it nice when the little guys win!

Grandmother stole more than £¼m from her bosses!

Accountant Beryl Rawlings, 70, looted the cash for luxury holidays, including a £5,000 trip to Australia and N Z!

The scam went undetected for 6 years, by then she had banked £269,387.

"Bless her!"

EU to ban hairdressers from wearing rings and heels

They'll to don "suitable clothes", & face a limit on how many haircuts they can do each day. Bosses would be plan so staff can have regular natters with each other!

"Will this EU stupidity ever stop?

Trust in George Osborne and David Cameron to run the economy is at a record low!

A poll for ITV News revealed that 60 per cent do not trust the Chancellor after the Budget - up from 52 per cent a month ago.

"Fancy that now!"

Poor Baby, Boo Hoo

Maryland's Democratic governor is in tears, as he wanted a $1.9 billion increase in the 2013 budget to $35.9 billion. His tax increases didn't pass the legislature and he now must make real cuts!

What about the Supreme Court?

Unelected Chicago IL based hypocritical Democratic presidential advisor Piston Rod challenges an elected Republican Senator for criticizing President Obama!

EPA Bans Fire

The EPA says fire isn't safe and moves to ban it. All cooking, such as frying eggs, will be done by using solar energy heating up flat rocks or just substitute eating cold cereal!

Far Left Wing Liberals

Spending Liberals Indenturing Mainly Everyone, Blowing American's Largess, Liberty & Security (SLIME BALLS).

Cost is Not Their Problem

EPA recommends using "the best available technology" to meet their environmental requirements. Thus, there would be no trains, planes, cars and computers if the EPA existed 150 years ago!

Who Knew It?

A California environmental researcher has found that locally manufactured male and female plastic condoms contain STD, a hardening agent! She recommends using aluminum!

The Obama Mentality State

A woman was defrauded by a storefront fly-by-night income tax preparer. She said "it's all the big corporations fault!"

Taxpayer Revolt

Maryland's taxpayers are petitioning to change the 2013 legislative session from 90 days to 30 days. Thus, the Democratic governor and legislators will have less time to pick the taxpayer's pockets!

One Track Ideological Mind

Democratic President Obama blames former Republican President GW Bush for the US taxpayer funded GSA lavish bash in Las Vegas NV!

Definition of Stupid

A sitting Democratic president who is blocking exploration and drilling of US oil/gas resources while watching the price of gasoline increase, but considers buying foreign oil OK!

Self Preservation

Maryland Legislature bans arsenic in chicken feed, but not turkey feed. It appears the Democratic state legislators have exempted themselves again!

President Obama Failed Arithmetic

The Buffett rule for taxing millionaires/billionaires will generate $5 billion per year, while Obama's budget deficits are to be $1 trillion per year!

Democrats Petrified

US Patent Office grants a patent for a Republican woman's invention of a spray that stops Democratic liberals from over spending, overtaxing and over regulating!

Why Democrat's can Screw the Public

A TV commercial portrays a taste test, where people are sipping cups of liquid that are supposedly different brands of car insurance!

Rocket and Nuclear Testing Reported

South Korea officially welcomed President Obama into the "Screwed by North Korea Cub." He joins former Presidents GW Bush and Clinton as members!