Lady Gaga gets into the holiday spirit
Gay midgets at Gaga's Workshop have begun fashioning her a dress, hat, shoes, and purse, all made of reindeer meat, and a snowman made of cocaine.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
I snooze, you lose
Most people think of snoring as a minor annoyance, but research shows it can be a health risk. People who attempt to sleep next to a snorer are more likely to leap from a window, for example.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
Egypt Military Pledges Faster Transition to Civilian Rule
Decides against rounding up more than 100,000 protesters gathered in the center of Cairo and putting them to work building an enormous pyramid.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
Russell Brand Furious
"Hell, no!" said Katy Perry, denying pregnancy rumors. Of course, after what happened Last Friday Night, anything is possible.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
After Examining the Facts
Thirteen Long Island students accused of cheating on the SAT will most likely:
A. go to jail
B. pay a fine
C. get kicked out of school
D. go on to become Wall Street tycoons
E. all of the above
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
Jesus banned by Pakistan Telecoms whilst texting!
Pakistan Telecoms have drawn up a list of banned words for texters and "Jesus" is at the top of the list followed closely by India and Indians. Fuck You has also been banned, I wonder why?
written by unknown
Phil Hammond becomes Defence Secretary
After the resignation of Liam Fox, Phil Hammond has become Defence Secretary. On being asked how he's found his new office, he replied "It's just round the corner from my old one."
written by IainB, 22 November 2011
Officer John Pike Makes Three Denials
Officer John "Pepper Spray" Pike has stated that he is not now nor has he ever been a member of Al Qaeda, the Taliban, or the Naomi Campbell Fan Club.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Herman Cain Says He Can Now Get Back To 9-9-9
Herman Cain told a campaign aide that he never realized that two college scandals could so quickly make the American people forget all about "PizzaGate."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Where Oh Where Did The Good Old Fashioned College Days Go?
The American people want colleges and universities to return to the good old days when students would not have to worry about getting molested in the showers or pepper sprayed for having a picnic.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Michele Bachmann - The Woman Who Says She's In The Know
Michele Bachmann was asked what she thought about the California college students getting pepper sprayed. She pondered the question and said that she is against it if it concerns health care.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
It's All In The Dietary Makeup
The governor of Iowa said the East Coast has its problems with Penn State, the West Coast has its problems with the University of California, but Iowa has no problems because of the corn diet.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Pub Landlord installs 'Self-Service' beer pump!
Drinkers at the Queens Head in Hoyland, West Yorks, pull their own pints after landlord Dave Barron built a self-service beer pump.
"Self-sluvice eh?"
written by Inchcock, 22 November 2011
Prosecutions for benefit fraud in Nottingham up by 39%
Good news?
Shame about the House Burglary's clear-up rate down by 39%
written by Inchcock, 22 November 2011
Roman Abramovich gave his teenage daughter Anna a relatively modest £5million mews cottage last August
The 19-year-old is moving into the 4-bedroom cottage after splitting from her fiancé Nikolai.
She is, she said, learning to drive and that she is paying for the lessons herself.
So proud of her!
written by Inchcock, 22 November 2011
Newt Gingrich Is As Happy As A Kangaroo In A Cottonfield
GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has seen his popularity go up several percentage points prompting him to say, "Well, it looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy's popularity is rising!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
College News: Penn State Gets Knocked Off The Front Page
The president of Penn State University was overheard on the phone saying, "Oh thank goodness for the University of California at Davis!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Kelly Ripa Ain't No Regis Philbin
Zydeco Dupree said he saw the premier of Kelly Ripa's new show, Live With Kelly and he suggests the producers get a hold of Regis Philbin and pay him whatever he wants to return and save the show.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
You Gotta Hand It To Ron Paul
The oldest GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul was asked how his campaign was doing. He smiled and asked, "Doing what?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 November 2011
Nottingham Trio carried out 365 house raids
A trio of prolific thieves who carried out 365 house burglaries and car thefts between them have been jailed for a combined 17 years.
That's about 7¼ weeks for each crime?
'Farcical sentencing!'
written by Inchcock, 22 November 2011
Black Christmas?
Black Thursday is replacing Black Friday as more stores open on Thanksgiving. Industry analysts predict Christmas will be cancelled next so stores can offer early exchanges and refunds.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
Nothing's certain but death and taxes
Twelve members of bipartisan congressional supercommittee that failed to reach a deal for cutting the federal deficit must now face a firing squad.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
A crash course in NASCAR demographics
First Lady Michelle Obama, an advocate for poverty awareness, healthy eating and education, booed by poor, fat, drunk people who like watching cars go around in circles.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 November 2011
