sarah palin regrets having squeezed out her last tea bag
following her non-presidential blood libel faux pas yesterday sarah palin has retreated to her alaska bear den to reload her already squeezed out tea bag.
written by shea lo, 13 January 2011
Who "Wood" Have Thought That The Woodpeckers "Wood" Have Done What They Did?
The town of Boise, Idaho has reported that a flock of crazed hoodlum woodpeckers have completely destroyed the wooden statue honoring the Idaho Woodpecker.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
George "The Dirty Old Man" Hamilton Finds The "Role" of His Life
In The Where Are They Now Department: Former actor and well known dirty old man George Hamilton is working part time for the TSA as a weekend pat down inspector agent at Los Angeles' LAX Airport.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
GOP Princess Ann Coulter Gets Hit With A Pie In Her Pie Hole
Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter was hit with a lemon meringue pie as she spoke at Gatorade College in Ocala, Florida. The Republican maven remarked, "Damn at least it could have been made out of oats."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
The Ever Expanding, Expanding Star Wars Gal - Carrie Fisher
The petite 5 foot 1 inch Carrie Fisher has gone from being Princess Leia at 110 pounds to now being Queen Porkina at 180 pounds.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
"Hey Luigi Didn't I A-Tell You To A-Pass Me Da Pepperoni's?"
The government of Italy is asking its citizens to please calm down and that the current pepperoni shortage is only temporary.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Barbara Walters Denies Any Relation To Barney Frank
Barbara Walters has just denied for the millionth time that she and Barney Frank are not related. An angry Walters stated that just because they both have the same 'lisp' duthent mean a damn thing.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
The Winners of The Biggest Thighs In America Have Just Been Announced
Venus and Serena Williams have tied for the title of "The Biggest Thighs in America." Kirstie Alley, Carrie Fisher, Wynonna Judd, and Oprah Winfrey, all heave a collective sigh of relief.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
President Obama Is Considering Fidel Castro's Latest Arizona Offer
Cuba's Fidel Castro tells President Obama he'll buy Arizona for $1.2 million and he'll throw in a box of Cuban cigars, a case of Cuban rum, and a 17-year-old pitcher who can throw the ball 104 mph.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Bristol Palin Explains Why She Is The Only Dancer In The History of Dancing With The Stars To Ever Gain Weight
Bristol Palin was asked why she was the only dancer on Dancing With The Stars who actually gained weight. She rolled her eyes and said, "Because I friggin ate like Kirstie effen Alley that's why!"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Vice President Joe Biden Has The Best Friggin Job In The World
Vice President Joe Biden says that the VPs job is the best one he has ever had. He gets to fly first class, gets to stay at four star hotels, and everywhere he goes he's offered Free Hamburgers.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Obama Over Palin
Obama takes opportunity Palin missed in using Arizona tragdey to score political points.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Katie Price boxes her way out of the cage!
Jordan/Katie has changed sports, she's boxed her way of the cage and left Alex for Amir (a champ chump)! This bitch certainly knows how fame comes cheap, especially with a silicone front like hers!
written by unknown
Bad New 'Bama
Jobless Claims Jump, Wholesale Food Costs Surge..1st-Time Jobless Claims Rose 35,000 Last Week.. Banks repossess 1 million homes in 2010..Michelle's mother is pregnant! Obama's hair now solid white!
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Learn to Speak Chinese
2011 to top 2010 record of 1 million foreclosures. Chinese leader Hu coming next week may make huge offer for all of them.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Hu's on First Visit
Chinese President Hu is coming to Washington next week to see President Obama and to look over the White House. "Unless some of your debts paid by June, I move in-you move out!"
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
John Paul II Miracles
Evidence mounts over John Paul II beatification while George Ringo haven't produced even one miracle.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Hurrah for Bawlywood
California has Hollywood, India has Bollywood and Tennessee has Dollywood, thanks to John Boehner, Washington has Bawlywood.
written by JAB, 13 January 2011
Wikileaks Documents Show That Johnny Appleseed Spent A Lot of Time In Los Angeles and San Francisco
Wikileaks has documents showing that Johnny Appleseed was twice caught in the possession of sinsemilla seeds.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Piper Palin Spills The (Wasilla) Beans
Piper Palin told her school teacher that her mother snores real, real loud and her father wears polar bear fur boxer shorts.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
President Nicolas Sarkozy Is One Sly Son-of-A Frenchman!
French President Nicolas Sarkozy plans to visit Saudi Arabia to discuss 'The French Fries For Oil Trade Deal.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Why Oh Why Does John Boehner Have The Reputation of Being A Crybaby? Hmmmmm
Breaking news coming out of Washington D.C. states that the new 'Weeper of The House' John Boehner has, for some unknown reason, gone a full 24 hours without crying.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
Victoria Beckham Is Trying To Put Her Best Foot Forward
Victoria Beckham's bunion has gotten so big that reports are that it is now bigger than Kanye West's brain.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 January 2011
One of a Kind!
Many older people in Hollywood agree that no one could play David Nelson on Ozzie & Harriet like David Nelson.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
No Preparer's Needed
Treasury launches immediate tax refund debit card. Both H and R Block in hospital.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
No Divisive Rhetoric
Obama calls for unity to prevail over divisive rhetoric of the enemy of all of us!
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Biden in Baghdad
Vice President Joe Biden arrives in Baghdad 'to celebrate'...exactly what?
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Jet Upset?
THE GAME: JETS player blasts Tom Brady...says upset of New England will provide him a commercial wearing pantyhose.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (3)
Was in Toys R'Us with Dave and asked him to find a battery toy for a birthday gift. Found he had wandered into Ann Summers, wonder why?.
written by Mikethelad, 13 January 2011
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (3)
Victoria has taken me out shopping today and we are in a place called "Toys R Us" wonder what they sell here.
written by Mikethelad, 13 January 2011
Breast Implants Eye-Catching
Breast implants catch eye of tax agents, especially male tax agents.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Heat Ends Streak
Miami Heat's road streak ends in loss in close shave to Clippers.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Go Come Pear
Alan Sugar launched his new internet venture today "comparethecomparisonsite.com he said there was a gap in the market as big as that for the Amstrad e-Mailer.
written by Mikethelad, 13 January 2011
Headless Man in Rehab?
Golden-voiced Ohio headless man homed at rehab. Sorry, Golden-voiced homeless man headed for rehab.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
"Shut Your Yap, Yah?"
Report: 2010 ties 2005 as warmest year on record worldwide. Reporters then attacked by gangs from Fargo, Atlanta.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Allies Against NKorea in Talks
Pentagon chief huddles with allies about NKorea. Lots of serious talk broken up by sudden fits of laughter.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Man Arrested After West End Shop Siege!!
Man found in West End 'Accessorize' store at 12.20am threatening to harm himself.....he was trying to get into a petite size pair of ladies panties...that will do it everytime mate!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 13 January 2011
Report: Warnings in Nashville flood came late
Report: Warnings in Nashville flood came late! Insurers point out well-known song by Johnny Cash: "How High is the Water, Mama?"
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Obama says Rep.Giffords "opened her eyes for the first time" after seeing him
Not only did she open her eyes for the first time, but hospital staff said there was an image likeness of Obama on a piece of toast after he left.
written by JAB, 13 January 2011
Dog Eat Dog in Business
Neighboring states gleeful over Ill. tax increase. "Get out of Illinois and bring your businesses, factories to us!"
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Don't Flush Pot!
Justices to pot users: Be careful when you flush. Freedom to crap apparently in jeopardy.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Sheriff Still not releasing Az. Shooter's records of previous encounters
Documents detail Ariz. suspect's college outbursts, police visits. Why are these always reported only AFTER a tragedy?
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Acid-Ship Capsizes
Acid-laden tanker capsizes on Rhine in Germany. Authorities begin furnishing antacids to those living downstream.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
More Negative Elections on the Way
Midterm election most negative ever, study says, but expect an even better showing in 2012.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
May Need Archaeologists Soon?
New England digs out from winter storm. "At least we're down to the level of the last storm two weeks ago", says native.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
No Descent Allowed?
Watchdog group: Freedom slipped worldwide in 2010. Freedom of speech for those not in power slipped even further.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
One Million Homes for Sale!
Banks repossess 1 million homes in 2010. So if you need a home, slip into one during the middle of the night.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Goes for You too, Sir
Obama urges Americans to use words that heal, not wound...at least until the next election.
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Nation Polarized
President Obama tells polarized nation: Die you know that we have snow in 49 of our 50 states?"
written by Bureau, 13 January 2011
Clinton To Start Nationwide "Dodge The Bullet" Training Campaign
Secretary of Dire State asserts expertise gained from her Bosnia experience will be valuable to the country. No comments from NRA.
written by Hawking's Chair, 13 January 2011
Pandas Arrive With One Disclaimer
"Batteries Not Included," reads carton.
written by Hawking's Chair, 13 January 2011
Killer to Plead Insanity
Tucson: Defense counsel are likely to plead insanity on behalf of mass killer Jared Loughner. They will be offering his American passport as irrefutable evidence.
written by Auntie Matter, 13 January 2011
Homeless man Ted Williams to enter Rehab
The man who became a media darling is entering rehab for drug and alcohol abuse after appearing on Dr. Phil. It's believed Dr. Phil 'threw him over the edge.'
written by JAB, 13 January 2011
Rudy Giuliani & NJ Gov. Chris Christie argue over whose snow blower is bigger
The spat between Rudy Giuliani and NJ Gov. Chris Christie intensified as Christie accused Giuliani of "shooting from the peanut gallery." "Not true since I started using Cialis,"claimed Giuliani.
written by JAB, 13 January 2011
Obama tries to charm his new best friend Sarkozy
President Obama hailing French Pres.Sarkozy as our top friend tried to charm him with a little French saying, "voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" "Creole Lady Marmalade," replied Sarkozy
written by JAB, 13 January 2011
Bipartisanship Compromise!
LEFT WING LOONS: No restrictions on any abortions and no hand gun ownership! RIGHT WING LOONS: No abortions under any conditions and no restrictions on any hand gun ownership!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
New Proposal
Democrats propose a Congressional Protection Agency (CPA), modeled after the TSA. Each of the 535 member's would get a 10 man security detail plus support staff! President Obama threatens a veto!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
Thank You Tom Paine
New research discovers why Nancy Pelosi is now the house minority leader and the Obama administration's left wing policies are being challenged. It's called the common sense of the American people!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
New Product
A man has been caught spraying the US Senate chamber with a product called "CUT SPENDING." He claims that he already has sprayed the US House chamber!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
Liberal Politics as Usual
Democratic Secretary of State Clinton opines in Yemen about US extremists, as does her husband Bill and Socialist Sen. Sanders raises funds citing Tucson AZ. So much for toning down liberal rhetoric!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
Diversionary Politics
An east coast blue state with budget problems, where progressive Democratic legislators want to raise taxes in a recession, may take up abolishing the death penalty & same sex marriage as hot issues!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
Perception Becomes Reality
Major hoax debunking web sites are going out of business. The reason is that because of all the rhetoric & innuendo between the Democrats & Republicans, urban legends now seem to reflect reality!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
It's a Language Problem
News headline "Lebanon government falls after Hezbollah pulls out" The blonde lady asks what has this Hezbollah person pulling out have to do with a government falling.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 13 January 2011
