Atlantis's Last Mission
After returning from his mission in jungles of Brazil, Father Gregory Atlantis has submitted his resignation due to age related infirmities.
written by emccorm, 15 May 2010
It's Only Right
Instead of deporting illegal immigrants back to Mexico, Arizona has decided to give them safe passage to California.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Gloria Aldred Accused
Several women clients have come forward to accuse Attorney Gloria Aldred of inappropriate contact after they couldn't pay her bill.
written by emccorm, 15 May 2010
New Polanski Sex Allegations
Polanski boasts of sleeping with women, too.
written by emccorm, 15 May 2010
58 Year Old Grandmother Poses as Teen Cheerleader
Melody Hines, captain of the Brownsville HS cheerleaders said,"I thought it was kind of funny that she couldn't do the split."
written by emccorm, 15 May 2010
Darwin Online
Most of Charles Darwin's work now available on the web. Shows how one microscopic cell can change into Kirstie Alley in only ten gadzillion light yerars.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Space Tragedy
Latest: Space Station destroyed by grain of sand traveling at 100,000 MPH!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Quaker Terrorist Group
News from Bizarro World: Terrorists building two large skyscrapers in NYC!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Iran's Outragious Behavior!
Iran leaders further outrage the west by threatening to develop their own Hadron Collider, land a man on the moon, time travel!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Obama Won't Go To Arizona
President Obama says he will not go to Arizona as long as they keep their new law. "That's because we ask everyone here to show their birth certificates", says Governor.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Middle England's Last Stand?
Middle England's last stand: The defiant villagers who set up barricades against invading gypsies. May form alliance with Arizona in the U.S.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Running To Fat
Families squeezed even harder as petrol hits new record price while wholesale prices fall. "If only we could run the cars on human fat", laments one car owner.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Spoiled Sunny Days
Ice-cream weather at last! Warm winds blow Arctic frosts away as Britain prepares to bask in the sun again...make that "ash cream".
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
There She Blows
Woman weighing 30 stone has to be winched off roof by ten firefighters so she can get to hospital. Hospital hires expert pall-bearers to get her from ambulance to room.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Don't Chicken "Out!"
Only 1 percent of the chicken in Brit McDonalds comes from there. Most from Brazil & Thailand where they live 60 days in cruel conditions. Study says 5% die in 11x14 inch cage from stress. Eat Hardy!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Iceland Gets Help With Volcano
British airports could close tomorrow as more ash spreads from volcano in Iceland as Iceland hires BP experts to help them stem the flow.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Brit Wins Big!
Lucky Brit scoops £85m EuroMillions jackpot in UK's biggest ever win from the Nigerian Lottery. Must come forward to pay for process, only a couple thousand.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Hague Versus Hillary
It seems Britain's Bill Hague's relationship with his U.S. counterpart Hillary Clinton may need a little work as well. "I think it has something to do with my first name", says Hague.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Featherstone Wants Balance
New equalities minister Lib Dem Lynne Featherstone hits out at 'male and pale' party negotiators. We need more 'sooty and tail'."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
No Outriders For Cameron
Security fears as Cameron ditches his police outriders. Brown says that maybe a bullseye was also needed.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Local Man Lets Wife Cut His Hair
Local man Samson allowed his wife Delilah to shave his locks for charity today.
Since then, he has complained about a significant loss of strength.
written by unknown
Local Child Chosen For Human Sacrifice
Lucky local youngster Bethany Fiddlesticks, 8, has been chosen to represent her class at the annual Pagan Ritual festival on Tuesday.
She will be burned inside a giant Wicker Man.
written by unknown
Local Man Bursts into Flames
Impatient local man Tommy Pillock pushed his way inside Flames Nightclub.
"I was in dire need of a dance", he gave as way of explanation.
written by unknown
Spelling Error Leads To Hygiene Troubles at Local Law Courts
Instead of the 'Public Gallery', somebody wrote 'Pubic Gallery' instead.
written by unknown
Panto Town Burns to the Ground
The fire department failed to respond to urgent telephone calls because they thought the inhabitants were just a bunch of drama queens.
written by unknown
British Tax Shock
£1,200 tax shock for Middle England: How families will bear brunt of new coalition's drive to slash Britain's deficit. "The only way that we can keep our illegal immigrants", say new bosses.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Amorous Kangaroos Hopping Joggers #2
An amorous kangaroo in the mood for love has female joggers hopping mad in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's outback Northern Territory. "It's that tight clothe they wear", says Officer.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Amorous Kangaroos Hopping Joggers
An amorous kangaroo in the mood for love has female joggers hopping mad in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's outback Northern Territory. "We have three Joggeroos born already", says policeman.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Gets Rid Of Pented Up Anger!
Athens hoteliers say Greek riots emptying rooms as more and more tourists can't resist going out and mixing it up a bit.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Like Moths
Gawkers lured by new Lake Ontario lighthouse, appear bug-eyed.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Shofar So Good!
Lena Horne recalled as conflicted, inspired entertainer. Also, hat her real last name was Shofar.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Sharp LA DA
LA DA meets, tapes actress who claims Polanski sex abuse, says she contradicts herself over one she gave 30 years ago. "Why, this doesn't even sound like her now. Could be a different person."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Can't Fool This Guy!
LA DA meets, tapes actress who claims Polanski sex abuse, says she contradicts herself over one she gave 30 years ago. "For instance, listen to this part about how old she says she is."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Happier With Every Swill
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness. "Two-Buck Chuck"!
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
More Recalls
APNewsBreak: More kids' jewelry recalls in works, said to be Spleen Piercing Rings this time.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Appeals Court Ruling Made
Appeals court gives Peace a chance in TiVo case. I'm sorry, that should have been "Dish".
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
$Million Review Unnecessary Say Some
UN science chief defends work, welcomes review. "Although we realize that it is invisible, nevertheless, Gravity does exist."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Last Flight
Six-man crew aboard shuttle Atlantis' last flight, say goodbye for good.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Stocks Taking Tumble
Stocks tumble as worries about Europe, Mad Cow Disease return.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Those Rotten, Cheating Cabbies!
Officials: 633 NYC cabbies routinely overcharge. Information collected by 2,000 police in plain clothes costing taxpayers over $250,000.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Kagan Recieves More Support
Conservative friends rise in support of Reagan. "I'm sorry, that should be "Kagan".
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
UFO Demand That Law Be Changed
Illegal aliens in space ships buzz Arizona over recent law passage.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
The 52nd Street Church In Boise Goes Independent
Episcopal church in LA to ordain 2nd gay bishop. Another group splits from Church, now totaling nearly 1,000 splinter groups.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Many Kidnappings
Militants kidnap about 60 in Pakistan tribal area. Then militants kidnapped by Taliban. Al-Qaeda threaten to kidnap Taliban.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Teacher Apologizes, Hands Over All Worldly Goods
Teacher apologizes for recorded beating of student. Says she confused other class on self-defense.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Thais Are Not Binding
Clashes, blasts for 3rd day in banged Besieged Cock...that should be, besieged Bangkok.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Happiness Is A Peacock Feather
Scientist tickled with a peacock feather by Dalai Lama studies happiness.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Law & Order Canceled By NBC
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. To be replaced by "Complete Chaos".
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Mixed Signals Confuse Party
AP-GfK Poll flashes mixed signals for parties. Many don't know if they are to "Get Down!" or "Shake Their Booty!"
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Survivor On The Way Home
Dutch survivor of Libyan jet crash leaves for home. Asks not to be flown on another Libyan jet.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Big Bird Too Big To Fail!
President Obama pushes passage of Sesame Street reform bill.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Chheks Look Like Groundhogs
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak as over 100 workers chaw down on Wintergreen mint tobacco plugs.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Why Does Your Badge Say "RawMart"?
Police: Watch out for unlicensed salesmen, as many have been wandering stores dressed as employees.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
100 John Boats Spotted Near Nashville
Farmers in area of the south can get flooding aid if they can somehow make it out.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Jobs Really Needed!
District 6 ballot in western Kentucky is crowded, with 42 candidates running for dog catcher.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
"We Mean You No Harm!"
Topura to add jobs, space as first tourists land from Topura to study the earth, its inhabits.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Investing In The Future
Leading economist recommends that before seeking out the best ways to prepare for the future, always factor in the fact that there might not be any if terrorists get nuclear weapons. "Just a thought.'
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Chef After Homeless
Police: TV chef solicited homeless in big black pot. I'm sorry, that should have been "murder plot".
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Economy Worsens #2
Trichet: economy in deepest crisis since WWII. A fair & limited exchange of weapons could help level playing field, help population control. "With half the people, we would all be twice as rich."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Trichet: Economy Worsens
Trichet: economy in deepest crisis since WWII. Recommends the building of new war machines. "It worked before."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Teacher Apologizes
Teacher apologizes for recorded beating of student. "I'm sorry they recorded that."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Miley Cyrus is Pregnant and Dad is Ok With It
Days after the video hit of Miley Cyrus grinding the lap of her producer, she announced she was pregnant with another man's child. Billy Ray reportedly ok with it. "It's what people her age do."
written by Charpa93, 15 May 2010
"Oh Lama! Lama! Lama!"
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness, new legal marijuana meds.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Scientist Inspired By Dalai Lama
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness, his big toe.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Law & Order Canceled #2
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. Also, the President of Thailand cancels Law & Order there.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Law & Order Canceled!
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. "We simply have too many good shows in the wings", states CEO...with a straight face.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Teen Completes Global Trip #2
Australian teen completes round-the-world sail. Nearly fell off the edge of the world twice, encountered three giant sea monsters.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Teen Completes Round-The-World Trip
Australian teen completes round-the-world sail. Reports seeing strange island in a mist with what looked like a giant gorilla.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Obama Solutions Worse Than BP?
Obama pushes passage of Wall Street reform bill. Wall Street Czars set to walk the floors, yell prices at random.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
BP Still Trying #2
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak. This time they plan to use giant oil pipe barnacles imported from Nigeris.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
BP Tries Again
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak. This time they plan to use Oil-Mites imported from Nigeria.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Liverpool Burglary Latest
Police investigating a burglary at Liverpool FC's Anfield stadium say nothing was taken from the trophy cabinet.
written by Earl Grey, 15 May 2010
Next Step for Gulf Leaking Oil Fiasco: Throw Garbage Down the Hole & Pray
BP to try stopping up spewing hole with used diapers, unrecycled plastics, dead bank cards, golf balls, congressmen and other garbage. Operation to be followed by fervent prayers of BP stockholders.
written by Tragic Rabbit, 15 May 2010
Vote to Limit Debit Card Fees Pisses Off Bank Pirates
US banking industry to adopt the skull-and-crossbones icon for their billion-a-day PR campaign. Bankers revive practices of keel-hauling and walking the plank in anticipation of Senate thumbs-up vote.
written by Tragic Rabbit, 15 May 2010
A Real Coronation's Treat
Lesbians to put on special show in Rover's Return. Hot pot back on the menu.
written by Earl Grey, 15 May 2010
Clinton Vague On Hague
Hilary Clinton has upset many/some/no British people by laughing out loud when she met new UK Foreign Secretary William Hague to discuss the war in Afghanistan. "He looked like such a putz", she said.
written by Ron Smith, 15 May 2010
Jupiter's Bands Disappearing
Peaches Geldof said to be following in her father's footsteps and organizing live Band Aid to get them back.
written by Charpa93, 15 May 2010
Angry Obama Trying To Blame Everyone Else For Oil Leak!
Angry Obama seeks to deflect blame for Gulf oil spill crisis but is told "The Muck Stops Here!"
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Jupiter Loses its Southern Band
They just weren't into playing Skynard that much anymore.
written by Charpa93, 15 May 2010
Jupiter Loses One of its Bands
Astronomers say it may be due to a high GaGa sounding frequency in its atmosphere.
written by Charpa93, 15 May 2010
Pointed Out Culprits
President Obama pointed out today that there is entirely too much finger-pointing going on.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
"Sounded Like A Siren! I Thought Uncle Elmo Had Died!"
Two more neighborhood cats announce their planned elopement in the middle of the night.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
100% Discounting Harold
Brussel sprouts wins best taste test over pile of shit for 120th straight year.
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Another Recall
Lettuce recalled in 23 states due to E. Coli outbreak...you quit reading after I said 'lettuce' didn't you, Tubby?
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
Lots Of Boycotting Going On
California may vote to boycott Arizona. Arizona's response: Texas To boycott California. Arkansas to boycott New Hampshire. "We drew their names from a hat."
written by Bureau, 15 May 2010
