Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #18
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If, however, life gives you the clap, that girl weren't no virgin.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #17
These kids today ain't got no respect for their balls. In my days, we called 'em the family jewels and took care not to hurt 'em. These morons call 'em their junk.
written by unknown
British model with astrophysics degree wins major poker game
but is 'all at sea and lost' about ABC's "LOST".
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #16
Don't pay $200 to a urologist (pecker checker) to make sure your Johnson works. Most girls whose names are on the bathroom wall will do it for half that much.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #15
It ain't the size of the booger that counts, it's whose food you can sneak it into.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #14
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives your girlfriend tampons, you ain't gettin' any this weekend.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #13
If you gotta fart in a hot tub, make sure the bubble maker's and water jets are on first.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #12
You know you're in trouble if a girl brings a Bible on the first date, ...unless she wants to act out Song of Solomon.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #11
If it looks too good to be true, the gov'ment probably already screwed it up.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #10
Never ask a date to bait your hook on the first date unless she remembered to bring the night crawlers herself.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #9
Life will never be perfect for everyone. While we all think Woody Woodpecker has it easy with his constant erection and never having to worry about crabs, I'm sure he's scared of termites.
written by unknown
Stacy Keibler - The Woman With The Longest Legs in America
Ex-Wrestler and Dancing With The Stars contestant Stacy Keibler has just written her first book. It is entitled, "Yes Guys, My Legs Do Go All The Way Up To My Belly Button."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Texas Governor Rick Perry Don't Take No Shit From No One
Governor Rick Perry of Texas has emailed Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock and offered to bring Tiger and Jesse down to Texas and personally 'de-nut' the two womanizing shitheads.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Mike Tyson - Once A Cannibal, Always A Cannibal!
Mike Tyson has been permanently banned from Disneyland after biting off one of Minnie Mouse's ears. Tyson reportedly said that the rat bitch disrespected him.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The Amazing Youthful Looking Old Macaulay Culkin
The star of the Home Alone movies, Macaulay Culkin is 28, and he is thrilled beyond belief that he finally looks like he is 18.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The Truth About Sharon Osbourne (Finally!)
Sharon Osbourne admits that the reason that she acts giddy and stupid is because she is giddy and stupid.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The Fool Once Known As Sacha Baron Cohen
Sacha Baron Cohen is reportedly very depressed that his 15 minutes are up.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #8
That Nancy Pelosi woman ought to be arrested for murder. She's probably killed more boners than any other female, alive or dead.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #7
Did you ever wonder if an astronaut's farts blow them across to the other side of the International Space Station?
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #6
It's better to have a flat chested wife, cuz when she's old, she won't have to move her titties aside when she buckles her pants.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #5
You always end up in a public bathroom with no toilet paper whenever you've got the trots (diaherria for you city folks), and never discover that fact until after you've done your business.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #4
Ain't nothing much more embarrassing than trying to dig your shorts out of your crack when you're walking your daughter down the aisle... unless it's her digging 'em out of her crack.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #3
It's a law of nature that says the stinkiest fart you ever cut in your life will be when you alone with the hottest girl you'll ever date (...and first date, naturally).
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #2
Some days are just made to be wasted. Unfortunately for me, that's usually three or four a week.
written by unknown
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life #1
The first bug to hit a clean windshield will be a big juicy one and splatter lots of guts right between the driver's eyes (and your wipers won't wash it off).
written by unknown
Sir Alex will only leave Man Utd in a coffin and stiff!!
Sir Alex has rubbished all reports about him retiring and sworn he will only leave in a "black box" and stiff, in fact they're building a pyramid at Old Trafford so he doesn't have to leave at all!
written by unknown
toilet paper
Doesn't it suck when you run out of toilet paper and there's no paper towels left and you have to decide what old sock you want to throw away...that blows
written by Frog-rotta, 23 April 2010
Greece ask the 300 Spartans to save them from bankruptcy!
In a desperate attempt to fight off bankruptcy the Greeks have begged the 300 to act out a final battle hoping to attract millions of tourists, they agreed as long as their first victims are Turks!
written by unknown
BNP uses St George's day to slay irony
The BNP today tried to cast off their racist, xenophobic image by having someone appear dressed in the tunic of the crusades.
written by Fergie73, 23 April 2010
AA Strike Action Cancelled
Alcoholics threatened to drink unless better biscuits were provided at meetings.
written by Earl Grey, 23 April 2010
A Finger of Fudge....
Is just enough to stop you from biting your nails. Try it!
written by Earl Grey, 23 April 2010
"The unacceptable face of (UK) capitalism" c/o UK's latest GDP stats
Otherwise seen every time Gordon Brown faces a camera.
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
"If ever I've seen one"
Gordon Brown, a prime example of a ribber cobbler
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
Whose Line Is It Anyway?
New TV programme about befuddled, stroppy anglers.
written by Bandersnatch, 23 April 2010
Ryanair introduce a new tax
Cash for ash £5 fee for ashking online
written by Nae mair crap, 23 April 2010
BMI Unveil New Carry-On Luggage Policy
The overhead lockers are to be used by Liberal Democrat politicians to store their EU expenses safely.
written by Earl Grey, 23 April 2010
Man from Atlantis found drowned
Patrick Duffy, well known as the man from Atlantis, has drowned. Ironically, he could never breathe under water...or had any sort of gills.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
Bah-dah, bah, bah, bah, they're not lovin' it.
Two Pierre, South Dakota men charged with felony grand theft, destruction of Ronald MacDonald statue. Ironically, heavily fined dollar menunaires now forced to seek value menu elsewhere.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 23 April 2010
Marathon Cheats
When are the organisers of the London Marathon going to wise up and ban all the cheats using wheelchairs?
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
NASA Provides HD Photos of the Sun
The sun is not pleased and comments, "They didn't get my good side and they refused to airbrush the photos."
written by Gail Farrelly, 23 April 2010
Have you noticed that politicians have very attractive partners?
Like bees around a honey pot of expenses.
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
If you're lucky
"It will rain cats and dogs" on election day and you will have the perfect excuse to stay home.
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
"It's Like This"
There will be 'wall-to-wall' coverage of the election - "deal with it".
written by Tcoah, 23 April 2010
This little piggy went to market
But decided it was too risky to buy stocks, so he packed up his briefcase and headed back to his pigsty.
written by Gail Farrelly, 23 April 2010
Judgement due in Shoesmith case
It is expected that the court will agree it was all cobblers.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
Dreams can help with learning to drive
Simply fall asleep at the wheel.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
US oil rig sinks in Gulf of Mexico
There we just too many Americans on it for the superstructure to hold. Some observers were quoted as saying as many as twelve.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
Danica Patrick The Gal Who Is More of A Gal Than A Lot of Guys
Danica Patrick, the young lady who wants to be a guy so bad, has said that after Indy cars and NASCAR cars, she will see about getting into the male escort service business.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
LeAnn Rimes - The Little Bitty Eyed Gal Has No Shame
LeAnn Rimes has agreed to star as herself in the motion picture, The Friggin' Effen Country Music Singin' Homewrecker.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Lou Dobbs' Racist Pecker Has Gotten Him In Some Mighty Hot Water!
Lou Dobbs' is reportedly in hiding somewhere in Detroit, after learing that the Mexican Drug Cartels have placed a $2 million bounty on his racist pecker.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The New Reality Show Starring Amy Winehouse and Jesse James
Amy Winehouse and Jesse James have signed on to do a new reality show on the Fox Network. The show is titled Show Us Your Most Intimate Tattoos.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Sandra Bullock Makes A Strong Statement About Effen Tattoos
Sandra Bullock has remarked that she will never ever again date a man who has even one freakin' tattoo.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
"Camilla champions British produce"
Including plaster casts and horse meat.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
"Church tops young music rich list".
I'm not surprised...
...priests have been grooming the best choir boys for years.
written by Coops, 23 April 2010
Brett Favre: Have Football - Will Travel
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre plans to announce his retirement in May, his unretirement in June, and his retirement in July.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Carrie Prejean & Senator John Edwards
Wal-Mart reports that this years sale of its Carrie Prejean action figure doll has now surpassed the Sen. John Edwards action figure doll by 7 dolls to 5 dolls.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Joan Rivers and Her Amazing Underwear
Joan Rivers has just celebrated her 102nd birthday. She blew out the candles and then for some inexplicable reason then proceeded to shove all of the two-tier birthday cake into her panties.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The NBA's Mark Cuban Sure Is One Big Ol' Spoiled Brat
Mark Cuban owner of the NBA Ford Mavericks has just announced that next season he is changing the teams name to the more appropriate Dallas Ford Mustangs.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Where In The Blue Blazes Did Kanye West Go Off To?
A "Hey Y'all Remember Brother Kanye West Dinner" will be held at Puffy's Barbecue Diner in Atlanta on May 13.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Paris Hilton's New X-Rated Perfume
Paris Hilton has just annoucned her new line of perfume, "Eau du Conceited Bitch."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Ann Coulter's Brand New (And Appropriate) Nickname
Ann Coulter says she is tired of people calling her "Trigger Face." Okey dokey, guys and gals so from now on Ann will be known as "Horsey Face."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The Wonderfully Amazing Tatiana Del Toro
Tatiana Del Toro has been named "The Nation's Most Obnoxious Person" for the second year in a row. Del Toro said that the people just do not know how nice, cute, talented, pretty, and sexy she is.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
Where The Hell Did Paula Abdul Go?
Paula Abdul, ex American Idol judge, has stated that contrary to public belief, she is not in the 'Witness Protection Program."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
The Bitch Known As Madonna
Madonna, ever the businesswoman, has said that she will not end her on going feud with Nancy Grace until Grace gives her $200,000.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 April 2010
