Glenn Beck reads Obama's speech to students backwards, finds hidden meanings.
After reading President Obama's speech to students backwards, Glenn Beck has found "hidden meanings designed to indoctrinate kids in the ways and customs of the Kikuyu tribe of Kenya."
written by anchochilly, 07 September 2009
Dole Good On Pole Results
After falling below 50% for the first time, Barack Obama went to consult with Bob Dole on the best way to raise his pole.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Traditional Paupers Burial
Apparently two weeks ago when longtime South Korean leader Kim was buried, he was accompanied by ten heads of cabbages in a common grave.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Talkin' Bout My Generation
Baby Boomers say it's a sad day when the Stone's "Hey You, Get Off Of My Cloud" is used in commercials for White Cloud Toilet Paper.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Crude Down Again
The price of crude is down for the third day in a row. However, funny is still up almost 10%, led by all new Michael Jackson jokes, say stand-up comediennes.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Guns Banned Once Again
The United States Department Of Homeland Security has asked that hand guns be removed once again from the cockpit of commercial airplanes, citing 224th pilot sent home from airport, drunk as a skunk.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Vatican Owns Up
In a terribly disappointing release yesterday, the Vatican admits that Mother Teresa once owned a pair of earrings.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Better Straighten Up
General Petraeus: "The United States and United Nations plan to keep leaving a heavy carbon footprint on Taliban's ass!"
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Dawgone And Back Again.
A missing dog was found today after a lengthy lamppost flyer campaign. Unfortunately a cowboy found the mutt and thought it was a wanted poster so shot it between the eyes.
written by DaddyMothership, 07 September 2009
Bee Gees reform and invite Maurice to join the fun!
Dead Maurice Bee Gee is about to make as sensational comeback with his brothers, Dame Vera Lynn and Barbara "Big Nose" Streisand as a Standing cardboard cut out! Staying alive, Staying alive!!!
written by unknown
More Americans Cremated
Statistics show that more Americans are being cremated than ever before, possibly because of economy or perhaps more people beginning to think "outside the box".
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Aren't They Beautiful?
Acme Chemical Company fined for sending so many chemicals into atmosphere claim artistic license of creating never before seen clouds.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Retirement Village Not Selling
New retirement village in Florida, "Heaven's Waiting Room" not having too many buyers.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
No Trip To Venus
Although Japanese first lady says she was taken to Venus in a spaceship, this morning Venusian officials stated that it was all in her mind.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
PBS Scrubs "NOVA" series, "PCB's Our Secret Friend."
The decision came after most of the crew died horrible deaths while filming at the world's most toxic sites. A non-plussed spokesman told the Spoof,"Shit,it's show biz. They'll be replaced today."
written by tlmedia, 07 September 2009
Potato Peeling Skydiver Captures Guinness Book Record
Bannock Russet, captured the prize after peeling more than a bushel of potatoes as he plummeted 15,000 feet. He skinned his last spud only 40 feet from the ground. A memorial service is planned
written by tlmedia, 07 September 2009
Nkorea Nuclear?
President Obama says that North Korea may, may not have nuclear weapons, but our military intelligence tells me, "We know Japan was there yesterday."
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Recruits Plentiful
Military says US not having any problems recruiting more soldiers. Credit new President's policies leading to no jobs anywhere else.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
"I'd Been Dead By Now"
Warren Steed Jeffs, the fugitive leader of a polygamist sect, tells reporter he does not want to be freed from jail. "I've gained 20 pounds & feel halfway human again", stated husband of 26 wives.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Male prostitutes file for bankruptcy
They say Subway's Five Dollar Footlongs promotion is killing their business.
written by unknown
Urologists discover ACORN workers have world's smallest penises
"We shouldn't be surprised, as we all knew ACORNs were little nuts.
written by unknown
Emma Watson announces she's tired of her character's good girl image
"In the next Harry Potter movie, Hermione is putting out to anyone who can beat Valdemort, ...or just has a tight ass."
written by unknown
Kennedy family questions media
"Why isn't Uncle Teddy's funeral still running 24 hours a day like that Michael Jackson crap is on TV Guide Network?
written by unknown
Obama announces Cash for Clunkers follow up program
With "Cash for Spunkers", bring your masturbating sons, husbands, boyfriends, and grandfathers and trade them in to receive $4500.
written by unknown
Proctologists Approve Health Care Plan
The National Order of Proctologists approve President Obama's new health care plan. "We support all our assholes we've sent to Washington" says official statement.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Disney Changing Marvel
Marvel Comic purists say Disney already making changes as The Fantastic Four take on Yosemite Sam as fifth member.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Public Need Not Panic
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that he expects the economy to begin turning around by second half of 21st century.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Gives Alternate View
Old flasher caught outside school building claims he had hurried there as a republican answer to Obama speech this week and didn't have time to fully dress.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Town Meeting Quickly
Town meeting in Maggoty, Arkansas says government control of health care fine with them, internet controlled by aliens also fine, then hurry back to jackalope hunting as it's the hunting season.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
They're Needed Here
President Obama says he may bring more troops home from Iraq as average Iraqi city now more safe than US town hall meetings.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Short Attention Span Troubles President
President Obama sending "Brownshirt The Clown" to pop out and entertain school children before and during his message to the schools this week.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Tired Of Theories
The FBI has announced that they may clone Lee Harvey Oswald from remains and have clone explain Kennedy assassination once and for all.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
It's About Time
President Obama, in his speech this week, says he may begin releasing nation's strategic wind, solar reserves.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
We Appreciate You
Freddie Mac, Ginny Mae send "Thank you" cards to every US citizen for their personal $20,000 gift from each member of the household over the next few years.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Bomber Returns?
Lockerbie bomber demands to be allowed to return to Scotland. "Says Gaddafi family "Crazy as a loon".
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
A Glass and a Half
'Kraft' the American firm bidding for Cadbury promise a full glass and a half of investment but Cadbury are demanding clarification: 'how much exactly is a glass and a half'?
written by Dick Action, 07 September 2009
Controversary In Brazil
There is growing controversy in Brazil over the arrest of an Italian tourist held after kissing his eight-year-old daughter in public. Local hookers, nudists say they were shocked!
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Penalties Have Wide Range Of Punishments
A Sudanese woman charged with dressing indecently for wearing trousers has been fined but spared from being burned as a witch.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Japan Plans Long-Range Changes
Japan's next leader has promised a big cut in greenhouse gas emissions, saying he will aim for a 25% reduction by 2050 compared with 1950 levels.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
New KFC Incentive
Kentucky Fried Chicken has announced that they will offer customers "frequent fryer jowls".
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Conflicting Advice
Obama gets conflicting tips on health care speech. "Is it an apple a day or an orange a day?", demands President.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Fallout From Nuclear Fallout
Fallout from nuclear tests leads to health crisis. US promises to issue umbrellas next time.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Sea Level Control?
Mass. center to build ocean monitoring stations. "Should Atlantic rise, we can open seaway to Pacific to level it up", says Center spokesman.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Cadbury Rejects Kraft Offer
Cadbury rejects Kraft's $16.7 billion bid but might sell off Cadbury bunny eggs.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Silly Speech "Just Silly"
The furor surrounding President Barack Obama's silly upcoming address to the nation's schoolchildren is "just silly," his education chief said Sunday.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Released Inmates At Risk
Released California prison inmates at risk for more health problems as they immediately go back to crime.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Police Question Dionne Warwick
San Jose police continue to investigate city's 20th homicide. Victim apparently didn't know the way to San Jose, say police.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
New Flu Symptoms
2,000 students at U.S. university report swine flu symptoms: Headache, fuzzy tongue, needing another shot of alcohol.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Picnic Czar
Obama to name manufacturing adviser at picnic. Be sure to consult this man before your next picnic.
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Lets Hear it for Capitalism
New Michael Moore film says "capitalism is evil." He reiterated this pronouncement boarding his private Jet taking the film's profits to the Cayman Islands, where he has three houses and two yachts.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 September 2009
Obama Practicing.
President Obama, in a rehearsal for his speech to school children this week, practiced Sunday. "In order to improve your Marx at school..OK, who's been screwing with the teleprompter again?"
written by Bureau, 07 September 2009
Health Care Bill Amendment
Republicans in Congress have offered an amendment to all Health Care Reform bills, to provide free Gluteus Maximus compression bandages. Dressings are for those Democrats losing their seats in 2010.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 September 2009
Playing with Political Marbles
Political groups win right to place monuments in a public park. To make room for the marble masonry, playground equipment had to be removed. Kids are now playing in the street adjacent to the park!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 September 2009
Dancing with the Health Care Stars
The dance team of Gibbs and Axelrod performed their latest two step, the Health Care Reform Public Option Waffle on Sunday's talk shows. The president will get out his dancing shoes later this week.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 September 2009
