Two New Studies
Two new studies show that twittering causes more and more car crashes while TV remotes cause forgetfulness.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Venus Had Women & Men
Government funded study reports that Venus may have been habitable for billions of years, but had no clear health care plan.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Monkeys Have Sense Of Fair-Play
Researchers say monkeys do have a sense of fair play, once we've allowed them to study us. Still don't know where that shit-throwing comes from, but they're still studying us.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Grumps Get The Lumps
Grumpy people get more colds, flu than other people according to study of those that sneezed while yelling, "It's none of your ******* business!"
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Wine Is Fine
Study shows that drinking wine may help women conceive, but candy is still dandy.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Brown Gumming Up The Works?
HARRY PHIBBS: Gordon Brown's gamble on Trident is deeply worrying, who knows what threat we my face in the future? Plus it always helps to chew some sugarless gum.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Jerk Of The Bob?
University chief in sex storm over claims curvy female students are 'jerk of the bob'...'I mean, perk of the job.'
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Clegg For PM
I can be the next Prime Minister, says Clegg, as he urges Foggy Dewhurst to come forward and take over the military.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Gaddafi, Git Off Thee
Have you got a permit for that Bedouin tent, camel sir? Colonel Gaddafi meets his match... New York planning officials
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
"It's Da Blitz!"
Boy, 9, told to apologise for 'racist' taunt to Polish classmate while playing soldiers in lesson, dropping lit firecrackers.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Benedict Tells Aids: Don't Mention Eggs
Pope Benedict accepts Gordon Brown's invitation to visit Britain next year in first papal visit since last one was burned at the stake.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Obama's UN Statement
Barack Obama's blunt message to UN: 'We can't fix the world on our own'. Then begins singing, "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony...Everybody!"
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
We'd Like To Help
Gordon Brown calls on banks to refund 'billions' in overdraft charges, told dog ate their paperwork.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Jailed Director Complains
Company director jailed for re-selling cheap supermarket food as expensive organic produce. "It's not inorganic, is it?"
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Would Place Around Oil Facilities
A multi-billion dollar science building has opened in Saudi Arabia in an attempt to enable the country to create "Mirage tanks, nuclear missiles" to scare off enemies.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Half Of Workers Satisfied
New Survey: Less than half of U.S. workers satisfied with their jobs. Other 50% unemployed.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Gaddafi takes the piss out of the US and UN in their own backyard!
Mega-Goony and very flamboyant ex- terrorist financier, Gaddafi entered US territory, held a speech at the UN, banqueted with the morons and Obama quietly kissed his Arabian BUTT!
written by unknown
Patraeus: All Goes Well
Secret letters found from General Patraeus to Bush, Obama says that "Project: Forget Vietnam" going well in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Herman On Letterman
Pee Wee Herman on the Dave Letterman Show causes show to go off air temporarily as he shows audience how he got his name.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Kim Admit's City Missing, Blame SKorea
In North Korea, Kim Jong Il says mushroom cloud was a huge waterspout that continued inland, raising up dust.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Financial advice for the wee Irish.
Leprechauns. Protect your finances by investing in a tracker fund, rather than relying on an ailing currency and leaving a 300foot technicolour arrow in the sky pointing to where you have hidden it.
written by Mary Hinge, 23 September 2009
No More Overall Cutoffs
The US Department of Energy has ordered the end to casual Fridays at all US coal-burning facilities.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Answer To Riddle
If you don't call Bill Clinton's dick Jane, he can't get a hard on.
written by unknown
Hondurans(?) Thankful For Recognition
Former Honduras leader being back in Honduras while coup leader still in charge calls world's attention that there is, indeed, a nation called the Honduras.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Ozzie Ain't Ozzy!
Oswald George "Ozzie" Nelson, father to singer Ricky Nelson and longtime TV family show husband, turns in grave for 467th time after reported Ozzy Osbourne caper, using first name. Has to be reburied.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
We Were The First
The National Enquirer runs its 37th story on how they were the first to reveal that John Edwards had a girlfriend and a baby.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Obama Girls Favorite Joke
Favorite joke among the Obama girls at the White House? Going around saying, "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no John Edward's babies!"
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
No Laws, Behinds Broken Here
Report: Parents in states where they are not allowed to spank their kids by law are spanking each other's kids.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Obama Pushing It!
President Obama: Under my new health care plan, Amy Winehouse would look like Angelina Jolie!
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Obama's Maiden Address At UN
Obama to give maiden UN address: "760 United Nations Plaza!"
"Rahm, they've hacked my teleprompter again!"
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Clinton Back At White House
With President Obama out the road all the time, he came home to find his wife talking to Bill Clinton. Michelle explained that all black presidents were beginning to look alike to her.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Obama Everywhere
President Obama has been everywhere pushing his healthcare plan. After the Dallas/Giants game, he was on the sidelines having a serious talk with Tony Romo on how he could leave the stadium safely.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
UN Off With A Bang!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got the UN speeches off on a positive note announcing that nation's should begin immediately launching nuclear missiles so the Twelfth Iman will return.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
CNN's Spinoff Channel
CNN announces a new spin-off channel, "The Obama Healthcare Network" beginning in October.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Healthcare Plan Should Include Nuclear Survival
Source in White House says President Obama ignoring flashing red light on telephone while planning Health Care Bill #1107.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Spliced With Obama Commercials
David Letterman has announced he will run reruns all week of Obama being on show and mentioning his health care bill every two minutes.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
GM: No Owner's Manual
General Motors say they will no longer put owner's manual in new cars. "We believe the new owner knows more about himself than we do. We will leave small notebook so he can keep up with Dr. checkups."
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Beatles Selling
Beatles sell 2.25 million albums in 5 days. Ringo suddenly missing from soup line.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
No Flavored Cigs
FDA ban on flavored cigarettes takes effect. No more tutti fruti marijuana to be allowed.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Med Students Dismissed
Med students cross the line on the web, as students post identifying patient details on Facebook. So everybody knows about you and your Uncle Ferdie.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
First Things First
Terrorism, Swine Flu mutating and killing millions, and nukes top General Assembly agenda. Then that Britney "Circus Tour".
Where was Tom Brady's head during weekend Cowboy's game?
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Oh They Knew, Alright
Swedish TV: Vatican knew about Holocaust-denier before they say they knew that they knew it. "We already knew that", says Vatican spokesman.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
So That's A 100-Year Storm?
What is a 100-Year Storm? Expert scientists in the field and meteorologists say it's a storm that only comes along every 100 years. Ask if we want them to say it slower.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Banks Trying To Help
Bank of America, JPMorgan overhaul overdraft fees. January 1st, will be lowered fro $200 per bad check to $175.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Nora Threatens To Batty Coast
Tropical Storm Nora forms in the Pacific Ocean! Threatens to Batty the west coast.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Terrorist's Rights Defended
Senate Democrats propose surveillance law changes. "We must defend these terrorist's rights at all costs", says Pelosi.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Ousted Leader Still At Embassy
Ousted Honduran leader left isolated in embassy, ruling over Family & a small group of friends, with an iron fist.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Scientists Net Squid
U.S. scientists net giant squid in Gulf of Mexico, also 57 stupid dolphins apparently gawking at the big squid.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
Now's The Right Time
U.S. mortgage applications jumps to highest since late May. Most say they were just waiting for neighbors to go bankrupt and move so they could get a bargain price.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
See Iran As Friend
AP: Ahmadinejad urges Obama to see Iran as friend...but as a very hostile friend..like Brutus.
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
America Can't Fix It
Obama to world: Don't expect America to fix it all, just because we led the world in screwing it up."
written by Bureau, 23 September 2009
English club Chelsea Look to the Stars
A big loophole has been uncovered in Chelsea's transfer ban! Reports coming out of Area 51 indicate the club are ready to sign Cardassian captain Gul Dukat who is exempt from the FIFA ruling.
written by iscrivener, 23 September 2009
Sucker Punch to Student Spending!
The Student Loans Company has curbed student spending by insisting that all students retain receipts for books and equipment. Shares in the IT Games sector are expected to tumble in the coming weeks!
written by iscrivener, 23 September 2009
A Power Generation No Brainer
Environmentalists love electric cars, as no CO2 is generated. They love green electrical energy, which by 2030 will only power 20% of the USA. Get nuclear power plants with no CO2 generation!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2009
United Nations Speech Translation
President Obama addressed the UN General Assembly today using an Anglo Saxon expression to berate Muammar Al-Khadafi, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Translators only picked up the "You" part.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2009
Environmentalists Vs Environmentalists
A fist fight broke out between bird rights and green energy environmentalists! One group was picketing against bird strikes caused by the wind farm blades. The other was trying to operate the WF.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2009
Language Translation
Barack Obama in Swahili translates to Jimmy Carter in English!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2009
