Katie Price says - "It was Shergar as raped me"
And then he fuckin' disappeared!
written by Blazing Saddle, 17 September 2009
Breaking News On Katie Price Rapist
There is a slender possibility that the secret identity of Katie Price's alleged rapist will soon be made public.
World waits aghast - which of her 6,359 intimate "friends" could it possibly be?
written by Blazing Saddle, 17 September 2009
Let's Be Fair Here!
New House rules say members of Congress cannot call the president a liar or hypocrite, and they cannot say he is dishonest. "Hey, how about 'horny old bastard'" asks Bill Clinton.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
John Paul II Finally A Saint?
Cardinals still considering sainthood when John Paul II suddenly appears in ghostly popemobile and asks, "Is this proof enough for you?"
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Drivers Being Pulled From Passing Cars
The economy must really be getting bad in Reno and Las Vegas as they have taken down their "No Rippers Allowed" sign.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
I Guess That Explains It!
Crowds who claimed they saw a UFO in Minnesota last night told by scientists that what they saw was a only the late Bozo The Clown leading honking flock of wild geese south for winter.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Scientists Teach Fish To Speak
Scientists who taught a fish to speak were stunned when it claimed thumbs were "overrated".
written by Dingwall Johnson, 17 September 2009
Suits/Counter-Suits
Egyptian lawyers try to sue Israelis for carrying off all their valuables but Israel counter-sues for hundreds of years of slavery. Most say their will be an out-of-court full-scale war.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Yesterday Was National Something Day
Yesterday was National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day & I was going to say something funny here but there goes the cat in his box scratching..my back itches. Let me go get my back scratcher.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Laden Not Amused
Osama bin Laden has released his sixteenth audio tape, but before he could read it all, Kayce West takes it from him and starts that Beyonce thing again..most likely for the last time.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Music Tour Update #1
Northern tribute band the Red Hot Willi Peckers have added a new date to their 2010 UK tour. They will play an extra gig at Glasgow uni on 7th March to commemorate Obama's 1st visit to the province!
written by iscrivener, 17 September 2009
So What's Our Spin?
With things still not looking too well with health care plan, today President Obama summoned a dozen scapegoats to the White House.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Put Very little Food On The Table
With the economy causing many layoffs, a New York model has taken an extra job by being paid to jump out of a Hostess Cupcake at bachelor parties.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
What Was My Daughter Thinking?
At The Plaza Jewish Community Chapel in New York City today they have unveiled "The Tomb of the Unmarried Doctor" amongst wails and beating of breasts.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Early Recommendation
Today the National Organization of the United States Spoilsports say they will once again endorse Ralph Nader should he run in 2012.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Border Drug War Worsens
Mexican police captain on the US/Mexican border tells those on the US side that even though they have added 100 more police, they are still snort-handed.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Former Player, Audience Stunned
Police say that ex-football player had stun gun in pocket which accidentally went off during excitement of football game at bar and shot himself in the nuts. Then his head exploded.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Hubble Hubba Hubba
The Hubble Telescope sends back detailed photogrps of aliens running amuck..then draws back to show large TV screen. "I tell you, stated one scientist, "the thing has developed a sense of humor."
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Assistance A Flop
Today in Long Beach, California, a stranded whale on the beach managed to flop itself back into the ocean, leaving 22 members of Greenpeace making sand angels.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Presley's ID Stolen
According to police, Elvis Presley Imitator, Bo Crabbs of Memphis, Tenn, is the victim of an ID thief! "Look, it says 'Bo Crabtree', somebody switched my Elvis ID when they stole my banana sandwich!"
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Aussie copies Austrian "Slyly" and "Keeps it in the family"
Aussies and Austrians are clearly related when it come's to bringing up their daughters, they both follow the lyrics of that classic Sly and the Family Stone hit, "It's a family affair!"
written by unknown
Hercule Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience that he has no plans of running for President in 2012. "I'm in no shape to run for anything. I'll just sit here and use my little grey cells tear the Dems apart."
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Sarkozy declares "ethnic cleansing" unavoidable in Calais, IT STINKS!
Pres. Sarkozy has told all illegal Untermenschen in Calais slum, the Jungle, they are "MERDE" and promised to clear them out, Poland have promised to adopt them, Auschwitz has opened it's doors!
written by unknown
Truth in politics
RNC chairman Michael Steele unveiled his new re-branding effort for the Grand Old Party. "From now on, we'll just call ourselves the 'Old Party,'" he said, in order to accurately reflect reality.
written by BCShow, 17 September 2009
New reality show "The Biggest Asshole" will feature Kayne West, Dick Cheney.
New reality TV show, The Biggest Asshole, will feature Kayne West and Dick Cheney as 2 of their first contestants. Other assholes considered are Barry Bonds and a Macy's cosmetic counter manager.
written by anchochilly, 17 September 2009
Fannie Mae Is Spoiled
Fannie Mae taps the Treasury one more time after another $13 billion loss. Meanwhile, Good Golly Miss Molly only asks to "Hear Her Mama Call".
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Also, No Grunting While Taking A Crap
Many in the middle east say they comb out any fleas that get into their beards on Friday but this too is being condemned by the Taliban.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Down To A Crawl
Most French restaurants in Paris say that most sales in their second quarter were "sluggish".
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Breast Reductions Sky-Rocket!
Breast reductions amongst men rocket 1,000 per cent in five years. Most use tissue to enhance penis.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Bit Of A Jam There
Cyclists given green light to travel wrong way along one-way streets. Drivers hit 157 the first day. Others finally turn around and go wrong way also.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Don't Want To Die Here
'Health tourists' told to pay for hospital treatment up-front or go home at "Our Lady Of Mercy", even if they're dying.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Egypt Closing Sidewalks
Egypt closes all of its sidewalks in their cities in order to curb flu.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
May Close 50 Others
France has said it intends to close the camp in Calais known as "The Wonderful Freedom Express To Enchanted England", where migrants gather to try to reach the UK.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Jeremy Clarkson To Give Up Top Gear
Reeling from his front door, Jezza slipped due to shit dumped on his lawn by climate change activists. "I give up. I can't go on liking cars and going fast. This heroic act has changed my life".
written by Blazing Saddle, 17 September 2009
Probe Being Completed
Minister faces immigration probe. Martians say if suspected signs are there, they will deported to Titan.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Researchers give up
A recent study by researchers at Harvard University found a statistically significant correlation between publishing the results of their hard work and no one giving a damn.
written by BCShow, 17 September 2009
About Time
Criminal may have finally been caught over 1992 murders. Police say he was after #1993.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
"PC" Means "Politically Correct"
After another disastrous press conference, Obama is beginning to regret his decision to choose the PC guy from the Mac-PC ads as his press secretary.
written by BCShow, 17 September 2009
New Computer Penis..Virus
A new computer virus is spreading through companies in the U.S., Europe and Asia. Officials warn people not to click on penis running across screen and growing bigger.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Big Explosion In Iraq
A suicide blast has been reported about fifteen minutes in an Iraqi Suicide Bomber base. Explosion shock waves shook France.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
All Must Make Sacrifices
European Union leaders meeting later are to urge the threat of "sanctions" for banks that pay excessive bonuses, that they only get a modest 15%.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Euro Telescope Sends Pics, Demands
The European telescope sent far from Earth to study the oldest light in the Universe has returned its first images and demands that it be worshiped.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Obama Overhauls Missile Shield
President Barack Obama has announced a major overhaul of the US missile defense system, which will no longer cover Poland, South Carolina.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
ACORN cancels training classes due to current controversy
"How to be a Successful Teenage Prostitute" and "How to Cheat on Your Taxes" classes postponed until further notice.
written by unknown
Brown Begins Community Services
Chris Brown begins community service in Virginia. Will help police by standing behind officers and pound fist into palm during questioning of those called in to "assist with their inquiries".
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Amputation Warnings Needed On Sedatives
FDA requires strong amputation warning on sedatives. Say that after victim falls asleep, thieves take body parts to sell.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Posties Cancel Strike Action After Ballots Lost In Post
Post office workers have been forced to put on hold plans to go on strike after their ballot papers got lost in the post.
written by Dingwall Johnson, 17 September 2009
"So You See Honey, It's Not You!"
CIA warns that terrorist groups could attempt to pour salt peter into nation's water supply so population, number of soldiers eventually cut.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Cola Taxes?
In a bid to ramp up the public health battle against obesity, grab more money, US pushing for a tax of 1 cent on every ounce of sodas & other sweetened beverages. Bathtub cola recipes now on web.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Return To The Moon
Return-to-moon plan gets boost on Capitol Hill. President Barack Obama offers Senator Joe Wilson his choice of seats.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
If Only Ahab Could See Him
Worlds oceans warmest on record this summer. Moby Dick is now sporting a stunning tan, say pirates.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
China Selects Female Astronauts
China picks first female astronaut candidates. "If they survive, we will then send males!"
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Hey, Who Took My Watch? Whoops!
Identified amnesia patient doesn't know who he is, who he owes all that money, who those little brats are calling me daddy, any of those robberies, neither of two wives. "Can't be held responsible!"
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Another Government Takeover
The House is poised to vote to push private lenders out of the federal college loan business and massively expand the government's own lending program. However, students balk at 200 page application.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Better Not Mess With Us Anyway
Obama scrapping missile shield for Czech, Poland. Both say they will build their own biological shied against possible future invaders.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Woman Receives Sight
Implanted tooth helps blind US woman recover sight. Dentist reports that it was an eye tooth.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Turk The Tallest
8'1" Turk takes title of world's tallest man. Could have world's largest gobbler but refuses to be measured.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Obama Scrapping Missile Shields
Obama scrapping missile shield for Czech, Poland. In tears after Putin calls him a liar.
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
Goodbye Old Friend
Mary Travers of Peter, Paul and Mary dead at 72. "Lie down Mary, see what tomorrow brings".
written by Bureau, 17 September 2009
You Can't Fiddle Quicker Than A Kwikfit Fiddler!
Who do they think they are? Members of Parliament?
written by Blazing Saddle, 17 September 2009
Jimmy Does it Again
Former President Carter talks about a racial motivation for Congressman Wilson's joint session outburst. Remember, Jimmy has a tendency to inflate things by 11%!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
Creating New Jobs
President Obama tells auto worker's unions that Speaker Pelosi is working on a bill to mandate that ever American household own seven cars. The program is called "Cash for Subsidies."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
Shoe Testing in Iraq
The freed Iraqi shoe thrower has been hired by Nike to test shoes by throwing them at moving targets. Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, has been designated as the first such target. GWB will supervise!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
The Sheeple to Speak
New Jersey residents complain how in debt their Democratic controlled state economy is! If the sitting governor is reelected than the complaining sheeple will have been shown to be full of prunes.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
Sex in a Sleeping Bag
A book has been written about how two people can have sex inside a sleeping bag. The paramedic's were called to a suburban address and had to use the "Jaws of Life" to untangle a foursome.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
Updated Patriot Act Creates 5 Million New Jobs
A new congressional bill calls for an ACLU member to stand by each telephone, in all American households, to make sure no calls made to the Taliban or Osama bin Laden violate their civil rights.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
Health Care Reform is Bass Ackwards
President Obama's health care plan is bass ackwards! Speaker Pelosi built the house; then the president decides on the number of doors and windows. Did Barack fail Systems Engineering 101 at Harvard?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 September 2009
