In Defense, He IS 800 Years Old
In newly discovered cave tree drawing Eve depicts Adam sexually as an old stick in the mud.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Bob Dole No Longer Spokesman
Bob Dole in interview with Barbara Walters says that he is no longer a spokesman for Viagra. "I'm trying to downplay all that", states Senator.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Warming Having Snowball Effect
Several leading Alaskan farmers say that this is the worst crop of snow peas they have ever had.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Uh-Oh!
Osama Bin Laden, Taliban leader say they are now training trackers to follow troops back to US, Britain.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Acme: Home Of Wiley Coyote, Genius
Acme Ceiling Window Company have decided that they are going to solar power!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Riddle
I got a blow job in the oval office, and my wife became a senator. Who am I?
written by unknown
We Look Rediculous!
Zombies to hold march in New Orleans next weekend against undertaker's giving them all a stupid (BRAINS!) permanent grin.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Warden Nominated For Film
"Woman's Prison Riot" video third only to "Girls Gone Wild" and "An Inconvenient Truth" videos in worldwide sales report.
Warden nominated posthumously for "Best Director of A Documentary".
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
But Not A Record
At the annual AARP meeting in Orlando, Florida, Mr. John Wesley Wilson, 82, won the 2009 trophy for leaving his left turn signal the longest, some 110 miles.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Man sues Michael Jackson estate after discovering love is not as "easy as 1-2-3."
A divorced Iowa man filed a suit against
the Michael Jackson Estate in U.S. District Court charging that Jackson violated the False Claims Act by asserting that love was as easy as ABC or 1-2-3.
written by anchochilly, 14 September 2009
Diet Coke Enjoyed Alongside Baconator
Claims adjuster and area fat-ass James "Jim" Mitkowski fooled no one this weekend by ordering a Diet Coke with his Wendy's "Baconator."
written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
Missing Link Found?
Scientists are excited by recently discovered well-preserved ape remains whose brains were found to be in its penis.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Beyonce Slips Kanye a Fifty
When the celebs had gone home, when the red carpet had been rolled up, Beyonce could be seen giving Kanye West fifty dollars in the parking lot behind McDonalds, looking, according to sources, pissed.
written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
Mork To Market
Robin Williams to be spokesperson for India's Tata Motors ultra-cheap Nano Nanu car.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Obama Plans New Speeches
President Obama drops controversial noisily-protested town hall meetings in favor of Obama-Biden Debates.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Laid Back Restaurants Becoming Popular
Slow Food Restaurant worker wants to know if you'd like a bowl of crock pot potato soup with that?
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
German Viagra Beer, hard, horny and get's you "STIFF" for weeks!
Germans again beat the world hands-down, have discovered Viagra Beer and now the world awaits their latest invasion after Lidl, Aldi, BMW, etc, we are ready to be "Stiffened", by Viagra-Beer, PROST!
written by unknown
Freddie Mae Bailout Next?
Hundreds of gay/lesbian investors demand that the US government also bail out Freddie Mae!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Swine Combine For Obama
Out of some 90,000 protest marchers who were in Washington over the weekend, nearly 50,000 have the Swine Flu. Marchers blame Chicago thugs with flu mixing in among them.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
New Bullitt Remake?
The latest Hollywood movie rumor is that a remake of the old Steve McQueen "Bullitt" is being made, starring Billy Ray Cyrus called "Mullitt".
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Willie's Accountant Missing
Fans and friends of Willie Nelson say they hope he's not in tax trouble again, after announcing yesterday that for the next two years, he will be performing in the Cayman Islands.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
No Human Contact
People being warned to avoid the swine flu completely now being told to avoid human contact. So far, only Cher and Joan Rivers have been given the OK as they are now only 40%.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
News Abuse
Italian court refuses to dismiss charges against Foxy Knoxy but Turkey Lurky, Ducky Lucky given ten years each.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Might Already Be Here
A memory-cleansing drug that has the ability to remove any recollection of unhappy or embarrassing incidents could be developed soon states jolly old scientist.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Batons At Blazing Club
Police use batons on revellers who refused to leave blazing club because they wanted to see Pixie Lott. "First time we have eve used our blazing batons", says officer.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Know Who The Ass Is
A pimple on the ass of progress. That's what a White House senior advisor called Joe Wilson who called the Ass a liar!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
The Home Repot
Glue, nails, screws, cement; everything you need to piece together the shattered remains of your life after foreclosure.
written by Bob Jones Bulletin, 14 September 2009
"Hey, I've Been Bit By A Rattler!"
Phoenix Sleepwalkers Rehab Unit closed after clients there for help, found wandering all night around the desert.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Sometimes Go Off If Dropped
President Obama introduces bill that would disallow the installation of anymore Childen's Gun Pick-Up machines.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Polar Bear Club Changing
The Polar Bear Club, who usually dive into frigid waters in their swimsuits, have changed their name due to global warming. They are now "The Polar Bear Club Stuck On An Ice floe."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Nutcracker Updates
New version of The Nutcracker featuring dancing adult toys, Elton John as the Suger Plum Fairy expected to draw protests.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Rolls Royce Downsizing
In Englan, the sale of the Rolls Royce has dropped by 20%. Makers say they may drop the price by removing hood ornament, back window curtain and grey poupon holder.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
New Corduroy Accord
New Japanese car runs on static electricity as long as passengers wear corduroy, rubs legs together during ride.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Amur Leopard Also Spotted
Only survivor of saber-toothed tiger attack claims there's an endangered species cloning lab hidden in the Great Smokey Mountains.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Who Rules Honduras?
New Honduras leader Micheletti saying that other countries are simply on a witch hunt, flies off the handle.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Pigs Accuse Cows
Pigs accuse cows of starting Swine Flu epidemic talk to get "Mad Cow Disease" off newspaper headlines.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Money Raiser For Getting Lisa Marie A New Brain
Michael Jackson's white glove, Elvis sock worn inside pants to be auctioned off for operation.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Wealthy Giving Some Back
President Obama, getting more specific on health care as requested, says he will pay for it by auctioning celebrity sperm, eggs on eBay.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
They're Outa Here
California economic crisis leading to all death row prisoners to choose door with Tiger, $1,000 & Freedom behind them to ease prisoner, zoo costs.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
No 1676 Visas
FBI agent Charley Red Horse deports 10,000 more illegal white European Americans.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Bush On Football
Former President Bush doing color commentary on Sunday Night Football great say fans who were rolling on the floor after comments like "Dolphins appear sunk, New Yerk Jokes, etc".
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Watching Squirrel Flu
Flu season comes early; most are swine variety as three men now suffering from Squirrel Flu have lost their nuts.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Just Take Something, OK?
Study: New drug fights flu as well as Tamiflu does. Then again, so do placebos.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
EU Predictions
European Union forecasts end to recession by January, beginning of depression.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Gotta Watch Close
Oil drops below $69 as dollar gains, stocks slide, housing prices up as Wall Street predicts the opposite for tomorrow.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Wish She Would Stop The Farting
Straight spouses advocate same-sex marriage! "At least they don't have to live with a big farting slob who watches 10 games of football on the weekend."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Illiteracy Undermines Army
AP IMPACT: Illiteracy undermines Afghan army: "B O M B! that spells moon!"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
VMA Honors Jackson
VMA chaos, as usual: Kanye upset, Jackson honored, then replaced back into vault.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Die Is Cast
Senate health care plan to create winners, losers as a lot will depend upon throw of the dice. Those on Obama's death list ready to leave for Canada.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Shoe Thrower Still In Jail
Iraqi shoe thrower's release from jail delayed until his assassins have time to get into their hideaways.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Obama "Powerless"
Bin Laden reportedly calls Obama 'powerless'. Mr Laden made the statement from his desert cave with a flashlight shone in his face during blackout.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Ex-Con Guides
Ex-cons in Naples get 2nd chance as tourist guides. "And over here you can see where the police recovered the remains of Shifty Fabrizio DiMarco."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
High Scholl Keys To College
Which High School Students Are Most Likely to Graduate From College? Stats reveal that 95% are those who graduated.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Obama Touts Obama
Obama touts Wall St. changes on Lehman anniversary. Credits socialized medicine for the improvement.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Top American Worries
AP Poll: Economy still troubles most Americans as worrying if Cunningham is seriously injured for the Philadelphia Eagles drops to second. Third: Will we all die from the Swine Flu?
written by Bureau, 14 September 2009
Rats!
The president's new regulatory Czar thinks rats should have the right to an attorney, to sue humans. This loon is being sued by Charlie Brown over a copy right infringement for using the word "Rats."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Billion Squirrel March
Billions and billions of nonpartisan red and grey squirrels will be descending on Washington DC in October to stage a protest. The rodents are upset over ACORN giving their favorite nut a bad name.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Required Reading
435 copies of Tolstoy's War and Peace have been delivered to the US House. Speaker Pelosi has made it mandatory reading, to get members used to reading long bills or writing shorter ones.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Coast Guard: USS Public Option in Trouble
USS Public Option hit an iceberg, the American people. CG reports no injuries. The president was not on board, but a soggy Speaker Pelosi, Spokesman Gibbs & Advisor Axelrod were pulled from the water.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
No More American Taxpayers Money (ATM)
Ten thousand White House protesters fed up with federal spending showed disdain for health care reform with slogans such as "Obamacare makes me sick" and "I'm not your ATM." The president wasn't home!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Japan's Prime Minister Spurns Globalization
Japanese PM is anti US-led globalization! OK America, do your part, no more buying Japanese cars, electronics, cameras or cell phones. Let's take our business across the street to Korea!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Pro Health Care Reform Rally Scheduled
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs announced a pro health care reform rally is to be held in Washington DC. He added that President Ahmadinejad, I mean President Obama will address the gathering.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
Venezuela Earthquake Reported
A moderate earthquake rattled Venezuela's capital Caracas on Saturday, but no one was injured. Seismologists indicate it was President Hugo Chavez cracking down on TV stations again.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2009
