Athlete & Pop Star's Angry Cock Allegation Rebuttal
South African Runner Castor Semenya and Rock Legend Lady GaGa have fought back against allegations that they are men, stating "It's a Load of Balls"
written by Ulver, 11 September 2009
Capello Bans WAGS From World Cup
Reports from The Wiggles say Wags doesn't give a shit, as he hates football.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Blue Man Incentive
The Bellagio in Las Vegas is now offering a free bottle of three Viagra tablets with every ticket bought to see the Blue Man Group.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
The Payer Picks
Charmin Tissue has reached an agreement with college team reps to change the name of one of their championship games to the Toilet Bowl, where both teams will try to beat the shit out of the other.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Tapped The Wrong Man
A Washington DC hospital reports that Senator Larry Craig will be OK after a couple of days, but still could get hepatitis from being found standing upside down with head in unflushed commode.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Here They Come Again
Bowling Green, Kentucky man who is now running his car on gasahol is often seen driving through downtown with a pack of boozehounds chasing him.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
First Things First
New Japanese leader, Yukio Hatoyama, has asked that Godzilla be put on the endangered species list "Or we all get put on there."
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Mystery Of Mayor of Exeter's Numberplate Cleared Up
The registration 1 CFJ on the Mayor's ostentatious limousine was today revealed as standing for 'One Cosy Fucking Job'
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
KFC Cleared By Court In 'Boneless Box' Litigation
The judge ripped up the box, and found it contained no bones; it was all cardboard. Rather like the contents.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Clinton Hit By Ball Lightning
Hillary Clinton hit by ball lightning. She's going to be OK but her voice is quite a bit higher.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Seniors Advancing
A new study states that the average US high school senior doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground but can show you both on his home computer.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Old Smut-Mouth Cracks
Recent long dry spell causes Joan Rivers' other end to crack, with same thing coming out of each.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
And We Just Fell Off
The earth may not be flat but the economy sure the heck is, say bitter laid-off astronomers.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Dogs & Cats Differ
Animal behaviorists say that dogs are from Mars, cats are from..well, they told us where we need to go with our question.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Denied By One & All
Joe Wilson, Republican congressman from South Carolina, says his "You lie!" outburst to Obama speech was 'spontaneous' and that everyone got mad because they all thought he was referring to them.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
It's Erect Now
After being shaken pretty hard a couple of weeks ago, Italians today mixed alcohol with a crate of Viagra pills to straighten to Leaning Tower of Pisa.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Forbes May Die
Steve Forbes who was once a presidential candidate, announced today that he has a dreaded disease but still couldn't quit smiling so no one has taken him serious, same as when he ran for president.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
It Was Brother Porker
Swine Flu traced back to one monk who, one day while having a high fever, taught his students in Pig Latin while attempting to fly around the room.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Old Diet Back Again
Although "The Peanut/Banana Diet" is back after some thirty years, nutritionists say it's being pushed by the Big Enema Business.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
"Keep On Puffing!"
The R J Reynolds Tobacco Co. told it's shareholders today that high cost of chemicals, taxes driving price of cigarettes up. "Remember, the less of you there are, the more each share is worth."
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
History Repeats Itself
Health, wealth and tooth gap between rich and poor as big as it was in 1900.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Household Loses £31,300
Falling house prices, sliding share values but mostly new taxes wipe £31,300 from the average household.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
News To Me
Tip hunt for grandmother's £12,000 life savings after she throws it away with trash. Retired trash hauler says he never saw anything of it.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Poor Attacker Injured
Millionaire faces jail for attack on knife raider at his home. The poor knife raider victim told police that he was down to his last knife.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Training Exercise
U.S Coast Guard sparks 9/11 security scare with 'training exercise' in Potomac moments after Obama crossed river. "We have to practice if we ever decide to blow up the president", stated officer.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
No Goliath Defeats Here
College football gets off to usual start: #1 Florida defeats Ohio Middle School 145-0, #2 Texas defeats Mid-Atlantic Birdwatchers (Go Birdies!) 489-0! Over 50 players injured in stampedes!
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Probably Why They Were Hidden
Two previously unknown piano pieces by Mozart discovered lately turn out to be commercial jingles for eel-salesmen.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Obama Blasts Brown
So-called Liar, US President Obama blasts Brown on Lockerbie in 40-minute phone call which No.10 had said was 'warm and substantive'
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Torture Of Non-Brit Forbidden
MI6 probed by Scotland Yard over torture of non-Briton "They know we are only to torture our own", states probe spokesman.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
That's Too Easy
The world's largest economies have spent $10,000 for every person in a bid to fix the financial meltdown of the past year when $5,000 sent to each consumer would have done the trick.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
South Africa Threatens WWIII
South African officials have stepped up their defence of Caster Semenya, warning of a "third world war" if the row over her sex stops his competing.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Songbirds Sing Other's Songs
Songbirds sing cross-species duet. "They're definitely the 'good times' birds', says expert.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Gordon Brown Appalled
Gordon Brown has said he is sorry for the "appalling" way World War II code-breaker Alan Turing was treated for being a queer little faggot.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Samantha Cameron asks Sarah Brown: "Got Any Fashion Tips For Me?"
Sarah Brown hands her a Primark bag and tells her to put it over her head. She said it always works for her!
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
China Arrests Nine
Nine suspects have been arrested for the recent syringe attacks in Xinjiang, China's official news agency, Xinhua. "Troops arriving have given local police a shot in the arm", says agency.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
"I Can Never Play The Drums Again" Says Phil Collins
Newsflash Phil: You never COULD!
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
A Sack of Baking Potatoes Moves Unaided
It was later confirmed that it was only Natalie Cassidy in a lycra outfit.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Victoria Beckham Brings Delight to New York
She gets on a plane out of JFK heading for Kazakhstan!
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Guy Ritchie Enjoys 41st Birthday Bash As Only HE Knows How
Ex-Mr Madonna bashes waiter, sets fire to a lot of wax sticks, then picks up knife and thrusts it numerous times into birthday cake. The film is to be released next Friday.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Kidnap Fears For 'Sugababe' Amelle
Drama ended peacefully when kidnappers agreed to accept a packet of Custard Creams and a promise that the tuneless slapper never makes another record.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Another Jackson Tribute
Still another Michael Jackson tribute moved to London in June of 2020, or Paris in 2021.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Flintshire Council Canteen Workers Bring Legal Proceedings Against Pudding
"We told it that if it continued to be a dick, we'd suet!"
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
I Did That? Me?
New York City Wino accidentally discovers swine-resistant cure for Drug-Flu!
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Greenland Mystery
Greenland's melt mystery unfolds, at glacial pace. "Could it be because our land was once green?" asks Smartass 5th Grader.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
GM Offers Money-Back
General Motors to offer money-back guarantee, but don't ask for that trade-in back!
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Let's Talk Some More
Latest Report: Iran say they are now ready for more 'comprehensive' stalls.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Dems? Republicans Respond!
Democrats answer Obama's call for action on health care. Republicans answer call for more tee-shirts with "You Lie!" and Obama's Pic on front.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Huricane Weakening
Hurricane Fred expected to weaken in Atlantic, name changed to Dead Fred.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Yes, Your Liarship
Democrats answer Obama's call for action on health care, to bow three times as they approach him.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Pakistan Arrests Spokesman For Taliban
Pakistani forces arrest Taliban spokesman after arrested woman beaten in Twat...in Swat.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Sharing a Bed Can Be Bad for Your Health
Scientists reveal that sharing a bed can be bad for your health - especially if you sleep in the bottom section of a bunkbed without wearing a hard hat!
written by IN SEINE, 11 September 2009
Don't Drink & Drive, Study
A drink or two or three at dinner raises car crash risks, according to ten-year study, by ten now recovering alcoholics.
(Two died in car crashes).
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Swine Flu Shots
Health Authorities: You may only need to take one shot for Swine Flu. No use going "whole hog" and taking two.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Somebody Else Needs Help
Which High School Students Are Most Likely to Graduate From College? Experts say, "Those that graduate from high school!"
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Male Porn Stars To Be Punished For Delaying Orgasms
In future, say 'Max Head Productions', this kind of behaviour will result in their limousine getting clamped.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
New Internet Craze Sparks Jihad
Latest internet craze causes holy war, as men walk up to Muslim women wearing full burqa and tell them they have the sexiest eyes they have ever seen.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Farmer Angry As Fox Gets Into Livestock Pen
"It get's my f**king goat," he said.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Clairvoyant 'Mystic Meg' In Sex Drama
"I didn't see it coming", said Meg.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Self-flagellating Catholic Priest Goes Off The Rails
He decides to give God a rest and go on the lash.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Mickey Rourke Eats A Rose
But the Madam of the brothel says Ingrid, Jade and Charlene are still available, and willing to accept clitoral stimulation for £30.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Ant and Dec Barred From Jonathon Ross Show
"It's fwustwa'in bu' nobody knows nuffin wot they twayin to say," says Woss
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
9/11 Remembered
Now all we need are the rest of the lottery numbers for Saturday.
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Derren Brown In Lottery Numbers Agony
Illusionist gets all the numbers correct, but the t**t forgot to buy a f**king lottery ticket!
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
'Spoof' Top-Heavy With Stories About Breast Appreciation Day
How many more can be squeezed out?
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
"No Sex For England During World Cup" says Fabio Capello
Which is no problem, as most England 'fans' will be too pissed to fart, next June, let alone shag!
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Al Qaeda Deny Plot To Blow Up Jordan's Tits
"Even WE couldn't blow those f**kers up any bigger," said AQ spokesman Wasim Wanger
written by Mark Mywords, 11 September 2009
Old Timer Arrested
Police in Toronto, Canada have arrested one Howard Duke for wandering into the women's bathroom in the mall after removing his fake mustaches and beard. He had claimed he had "Old Timer's Disease".
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
Forgot To Block Wheels?
A Cleveland bird fancier has fallen 18 stories to his death after apparently standing on a wheelchair to reach bird feeder. Police say no fowl play was involved.
written by Bureau, 11 September 2009
