When's Karl's Birthday? Sunday!!
Not so bright atheist, mad over being the only one working on religious holidays, decides to convert to Communism.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Security Guard Sued
Man detained at airport for carrying a huge snake around his waist sues security guard for getting shit all his shoes.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Yellow Ribbon?
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer coming in more bladder-friendly yellow from now on.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Scientists Confess
In a public confession this morning, three noted scientists stated that they all three really really really hated mice and needed help.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Another Rollback
WalMart has announced another major rollback of Mom and Pop-type stores!
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Looks More Authenic Now
Another suicide bomber ran into a building and exploded this morning. The building apparently was "The Suicide Bomber's Hall Of Fame"
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Not The Best Timing
Guy listening to news in unemployment line announces, "U.S., Japan says recession is over!", has to drop out of line and head for nearest proctologist to have radio removed.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Same Yelling, Being Pulled Left & Right
Monday, John McCain said he's never experienced anything like the current debate over healthcare, unless it was that first week we stayed in bed when I got back to the US after being a POW in Vietnam.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Prez Could Seize Internet
New Senate bill would give President the power to seize the internet, internet user.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Another Accident
Former Vice-President Dick Cheney accidentally shoots fellow bowler in the face with shotgun.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
About This Provision...
John McCain asks proponents of new health care program about question on page 2488, second paragraph, subhead b under C1, "Republicans will pay twice the price for all health care given."
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
U.S. Postal Inspection
Routine search of U.S. Post Office in rural Kentucky turns up 11 handguns, two shotguns and a grenade.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Lost Found Then Lost Again
Man lost Lost DVD then found it again before it got lost. Lost still not found. Remains Lost.
written by Skoob1999, 01 September 2009
Hardcore Porno industry thanks main global players for their "Spunk"
exposed by a "Beeb Docu," global conglomerates have admitted cashing billions off of the butts, dicks and pussies of the Porno industry, without divulging names "TELECUM" has it's fingers way in!
written by unknown
Putin On The Blitz
Putin blames Britain for Russia's invasion of Poland on the 70th anniversary of WWII. Hitler, Stalin were victims.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Detailed Photos
Visible from space: The massive Californian wildfires encircling Los Angeles, Arnold Schwarzenegger pissing on back of his house.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Hot Monkey Sex
Pensioner couple win compensation for chemical burns from 'toxic condom' in landmark ruling.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Blind To See
Photo released of the electronic device that allows blind people to 'see' using their tongue and eye teeth.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
"She Smells Funny"
Injured woman lay in road for three hours waiting for ambulance, finally picked up and delivered by sanitation truck.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
First Blackouts Since WW2?
Blackout Britain warning as Government predicts severe power shortages within a year. "Ooohhh, that will be horrible', say street gangs and burglars.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Lady Gaga Breaks Her Leg
Lady Gaga broke her leg when she fell off of the stairs.
written by unknown
Wash Them First, Except Electronics
Examination Report: After careful study, report shows that 95% of last years Christmas toys had traces of elf shit.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Tips For Swine Flu
Swine flu: 10 things you need to know. #1 Make out your will. #2 Pick out pall bearers. 3. Have you bought a burial spot?
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Tips On Fat-Fighting
Report: Tips on creating fat-fighting communities. Tip #1 Throw A Pork Chop Into Middle Of Group To Get Fight Started.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Binge Drinkers On The Road
Study: 1 in 10 binge drinkers get on the road and manage to stay on the road for average three minutes.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
New "Pong" Game Features Smell Hazard
Beatles, Stones, Super Mario, Super-Duper Pong: big autumn for games!
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
UN Seeks Further Info
UN seeks better data on hurricanes, droughts, volcanoes, wars and Michael Jackson's final resting place.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Citiess Cut Services
Study: Cities slash services amid economic slump. Recommend using abundance for garbage disposal, big nets for mail thrown from cars, more midwives.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Almanac Getting More Specific
Farmers' Almanac predicts extreme cold this winter, Lindsay Lohan in rehab, your youngest losing baby tooth.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Present Plan Not Working
US commander in Afghanistan calls for new strategy, some clean underclothing after close combat.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Poland Marks War Beginning
Poland marks 70th anniversary of WWII beginning with many citizens getting bombed!
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Electric Car Boom!
Palo Alto plans for electric car boom. First 1,000 already ordered in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
"Ready On The Left? Read On The Right?"
Schools look to teacher furloughs to trim budgets. Also, will attempt to use one teacher from one doorway to teach two classes at once.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Marriages All The Same
Same-sex marriages begin in Vermont. Same sex, same family marriages begin in Smokies, Ozarks.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Dog Dies During Dog Days?
World's oldest dog dies in New York at 21 - or 147? Or was it in New Jersey? Anyway, it's dead.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
The Mighty Almanac Has Spoken
Farmers' Almanac predicts numbing cold this winter, suggests a well-stocked liquor supply to help help numb till it's over.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Earth, The Final Frontier
Star Date 2009: The search for the best observatory site in the world has lead to what is thought to be the coldest, driest, calmest place on Earth, where no human is thought to have ever set foot.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
LA Pleads For Help With Fires
Los Angeles releases old song to appeal to firefighters in other states, "Come on baby fight my fire."
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Elvis Impersonators Record Not Broken
A world record for Elvis impersonators failed yesterday when only 29 people turned up. However, the real Elvis came to The Ship Inn, Par, Cornwall. He was not impressed by their impressions.
written by norma snockers, 01 September 2009
Jonas Brothers Laugh
It's a new show on CBS entitled "Jonas Brothers Laugh" where candidates have to laugh like the Jonas Brothers in order to win $100... Let the gayest win!
written by unknown
Japanese Democrats
Investors are worried the just elected Japanese Democratic Party will overspend to revive the economy or ruffle ties with Tokyo's closest ally, the USA. Democrats would never overspend, would they?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 September 2009
Boring Talk Radio
FCC considers groups like ACORN to force boring liberal talk radio on the Broadcasting Industry to balance conservative talk shows. This is akin to hiring PETA to manage a hamburger processing plant!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 September 2009
Cap and Trade
A cap is a cervical cap and trade is the exchange of services for money. The US taxpayers provide the stimulus funds and then cap and trade is just another act of screwing the US taxpayer.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 September 2009
Anyone Ever Hear of a Laundry List?
Senator Dole has suggested that President Obama push a heath care reform bill he wants. President Bush had sent Speaker Pelosi a 6 page outline of what he wanted to see in a bill, she had a hissy fit.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 September 2009
Political Monopoly
SOS Clinton offered to sell Afghanistan to the Russians for 24 RUB. The Russian FM countered with toss in Brooklyn Bridge, it's a deal. Don't panic, they were playing Political Monopoly via Twitter!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 September 2009
River Pollution
Traces of most prominently prescribed drugs show up in the Mississippi River! Fish spotted flipping out.
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
120,000 Year Microbe Awakens
Microbe wakes up after 120,000 years. Boy, could I use a snack. What's young Regis up to these days?
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
Old Horror Classic
The Penis Channel to show classic horror flick next Friday at 8:00 PM, "I Walked With A Penis"
written by Bureau, 01 September 2009
