Timeout: #1 Break
A fact that no one knows about Governor Sarah 'Snow Plow' Palin...she pees standing up.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
A Fistful of Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood has signed on to reprise his role in the 60's movie "A Fistful of Dollars." The sequel is called, "A Fistful of Metamucil."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Happy Birthday To Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters insists everyone on the 'View' is happy. The 'girls' gave her a cake for her 90th birthday. Instantly Whoppi Goldberg and Joy Behar slammed Elisabeth Hasselbeck's face into the cake.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Jerry Mathers as 'The Beave'
The old 'Leave It To Beaver' sitcom show of the 60's is being revised. The new 'Leave It To Beaver' will star Paris Hilton.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Like Clark Kent and Superman
Ann Coulter is like Sean Hannity in a dress. And Sean Hannity is like Ann Coulter, but with not as much armpit hair.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Blueberries can reduce memory loss
Scientists have discovered that Blueberries can help in loss of memory. However, the same scientists have revealed that Blackberries can suffer memory loss when passed through a strong magnetic field.
written by IN SEINE, 29 November 2008
"Look It's Godzirra"
Paramount Pictures will be making a remake of the film 'Godzilla.' Producers promise that this time, they will synchronize the screams of the Japanese people with their mouth movements.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
'Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain'
Songwriter Jimmy Webb who wrote the Richard Harris hit 'MacArthur Park' has finally revealed who it was that left the cake out in the rain. Webb said that it was Martha Stewart.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Mall$Wart Mob Recruited by NFL
"We were really impressed by that hard hitting mob. We want the guys on the front line to report to training camp!", quipped NFL spokesman, Rockem Sockem.
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
Senator Chris Matthews?
MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews is denying that he wants to be a senator. Meanwhile over at Fox News Sean Hannity is denying that he wants to be emperor.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Extra O for Your Money
"Take all the Money out of your wallet. Now, add an extra O to the numbers. YES YOU CAN, people!"
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
A Bucket of Thighs (Mmmm-Mmmm)
Beyonce, Mariah Carey, and Alicia Keys are working out the details of a three-gal tour. An assistant to Beyonce says the tour is tentatively called, "The Thunderous Thighs Tour."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Rich Little Miley Cyru$
Miley Cyrus has told her manager that she wants to increase her father's allowance.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Mississippi Has A Lot of Letters
In order to save on ink. The state of Mississippi has decided to change the spelling of its name to: Misisipi.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
The 2009 Chinese 'Car'
China has just revealed plans to build their own version of the Lexus. They plan to unveil the new 'Rexus' in April of 2009.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Home of The Whooper!
A spokesperson for the Burger King chain has stated that in keeping with the politically correct theme, they will be renaming all the Burger Kings located in West Hollywood, Burger Queen.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Movie Scenes Pulled
The Federal Communications Commission announced yesterday that it is pulling several scenes from the new Michael Moore movie from youtub.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Pelosi's Gambling Face
Washington Insiders advise newly elected representatives never to gamble with Nancy Pelosi. Whether she's holding a pair of deuces or her dress in on fire, her face has the same expression.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Nigerian Offer
The Nigerian olympic team won six silver metals during this summer's games. Here's how you can own one of these priceless awards by sending banks where they are stored just a hundred dollars up front.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Explaining Schwarzenegger's Suddden Dance
Governor Schwarzenegger of California is determined to find out who, during his speech that the "Calie fornia" fires are finally out, gave him a hotfoot.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Obama Gets Updates
While President Bush briefed Barack Obama last week on the state of the Union, this week Senator John Warner of Virginia will update him on the state of the Confederacy.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Drug Sales Jump, So?
One bright spot in the economy is that Eli Lilly's sales were up nearly fifty percent in the past six months, highlighted by the tremendous jump in the sales of Prozac, but who cares about that shit?
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
White House Leaks
Dick Cheney, accused of several inside and outside White House leaks over the past seven years, stated today that the only leaks he made outside the White House were behind a Bush.
written by Bureau, 29 November 2008
Extortion of Somali Pirates
Pie rates in Somalia have rocketed since the price of flour on World Markets has increased 10 fold. The average pie in Mogadishu can be as much as $50.
written by IN SEINE, 29 November 2008
Cost Concious Parents Suffing Stockings with Pure Aspartame
"It's cheaper than sugar and should last all year. And once you adjust to the full respirator needed to handle it, it's not that bad", quipped a parent planning for the big night.
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
FDA Absentee Rate Increasing Due to Poisonings
FDA employees are starting to sicken after eating FDA approved toxins in ever increasing amounts, scoffing at dire warnings from independent studies.
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
Scientists Proven Dangerous for Rats
All that aspartame is killing them!
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
Mall$Wart to Place New Phrase on Slaves Backs
"I know karate"
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
FDA announces Melamine Perfectly Safe for Babies
Perfectly Safe as long as the product is American.
"American Melamine, good melamine, good for jobs", said the aspartame damagned FDA scientist, sucking on a diet soda.
written by Aspartame Boy, 29 November 2008
The Broken Wheel of Fortune
Due to production budget cuts. The game show 'Wheel of Fortune' is considering cutting 2 vowels, 5 consonants, and Vanna White.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Andy Dick By Any Other Name
Comedian Andy Dick has entered the FBI's witness protection program. An inside soure revealed that his new name is Andy Wiener.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Letterman and Neuman's Resemblance is Uncanny
David Letterman has revealed that he will be playing the lead in the Broadway play, "Alfred E. Neuman - The Mad Magazine Guy."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Britney Spears Take Two
Britney Spears has been signed to play the lead in 'The Britney Spears Story.' An inside source said that Madonna has been signed to play her mother and her father.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Amy 'Splitsville' Winehouse
Amy Winehouse has met with lawyers about divorcing her husband Blake Fielder-Civil. The lawyer said that the divorce is being filed on grounds of irreconcilable bullshit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
A-Rod and His Turkeys
New York Yankees star A-Rod had a turkey dinner with his ex-wife on Thanksgiving day and then later he visited Madonna. So A-Rod went from having turkey to visiting a turkey.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Strike Three!
So far President Bush has issued 87,931 presidential pardons. Ex-major league pitcher Roger Clemens called him up and asked, "Hey George, where's mine?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
'Shotgun' Cheney's Reality Show
Vice-President Dick Cheney has been signed by ABC to star in his own reality show. The show will premier in February and is called, "Stalking For Animals With The Arrogant Dick."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
Cuba's New Mickey D's
President-elect Obama will officially close Guantanamo Base on January 20. They will completely knock it down and build a McDonalds with parking for 20,000 cars.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2008
"Ramrod" Ramsey in Doghouse.
Gordon in the doghouse!! Following Tara's cancellation of the Christmas holiday, Gobby Gordy is to be banished to the dog's quarters. Sarah, the bitch is to stay in Tara's room, "for her own safety'
written by jeremy griffiths, 29 November 2008
"England's Glory" Closes last match factory
Striking workers lost their jobs this week as Bryant and May closed their last match factory. "There was just no light at the end of the tunnel" lamented spokesman, Sandy Papier.
written by jeremy griffiths, 29 November 2008
