The Keukan Study Defines Popular Affection Positions

Funny story written by Ellie James

Monday, 29 August 2011


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image for The Keukan Study Defines Popular Affection Positions
The pocket knife position is knifing while a man has an erection.

In recent months, scientists at the North American Association of Foreplay and Sexuality (NAAFAS) have finished their study of spooning, and have discovered that spooning is not the only preferred way of remaining close to your partner after intimate moments. Spooning is best described as two people lying together, curled like spoons resting in a drawer.

What's known as the Keukan Study began out of an argument between two scientists at NAAFAS who were secretly dating at the time, but no longer are because of the implications found in the study.

After thousands of interviews from couples all over the world, it was determined that spooning, while at the top of the Affection Positions, has company from other positions that are gaining in popularity.

Knifing is rapidly gaining in popularity among couples who really like each other and find themselves still attracted despite the fact one of the partners can't spell, or the other one cannot seem to find the time to make ice. Knifing can best be described as lying close together while facing each other and keeping your legs straight.

Forking is similar to spooning, but instead of the your bodies resting side by side, one partner (almost always the woman) is laying on her back with one arm behind her head and the other one somewhere on her partners leg or hip. Both partner's legs are intertwined together somewhat sexually, but in the end one of the two will invariably become uncomfortable in this position (most likely the woman when circulation to her arm cuts off and her arm becomes numb.)

Plating is also popular, but is most definitely the least popular in the majority of couples cited in the study. Plating is when one partner is on their back and the other is lounging on top of the other, practically crushing the one underneath (again, almost always the woman.)

It was learned that plating is not as popular among women as with men. Men tend to use plating as a form of foreplay, while woman are, at the time when plating occurs, have begun to think about how tired they are, how much laundry they have waiting for them, and what time they have to get up in the morning. At this time, plating is often dismissed and the woman pushes the man off and the two begin spooning.

The worst possible Affection Position is what is known as tableclothing. This happens sometimes after plating when the man feels rejected by the woman's desire for sleep. He rolls over and sulks without touching her, resembling a naked tablecloth without any utensils.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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