Written by Inhopeless

Saturday, 15 January 2011

image for Report: "More Than 100% of People Reading This Have Lied"
Over 100% of Failing Students Have Used a Writing Book

LONDON - A new article has found several links between things.

Nearly 90% of the population did not know the difference between real scientific figures and made-up statistical babble.

"It's really something," said Prof. Mann, "nearly 98% of prisoners ate bread in the last year. Hmm... Did you also know that bread can lead to harder stuff, like baguettes and croissants?"

The study also found that nearly 50% of marriages/civil partnerships end in death, and the rest end in divorce.

Many government insiders are thinking of a ban on such partnerships in order to stem the rate of these ills.

"We've also seen this," Mann said, pointing to a bar-graph, "every year, the amount of misleading bar-graphs is increasing." The two bars were the same height (23.12cm) but represented different numbers.

The study also worked out that 12% of people took a bus to work, 35% took a train, 50% took a personal car, and 7% took a plane.

However, there is some good news. For the pro-smoking campaign, the study has found out that Smoking leads to Statistics and that over 100% of non-smokers die.

"We've also found out that nearly
73.8362063535873357352237384554568365302735282047480486352094% of statistics are made up, according to a pool of 10 people."

As of press time, a survey of the room finds out that over 99% of the people are me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: statistics

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