British Scientists Create Tiny Republican Brains

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 17 August 2005

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The world's first Republican brain cells

EDINBURGH (Reuters)--Scientists at the Universities of Edinburgh and Milan have reportedly made the world's first Republican brains from pure nerve stem cells derived from embryonic cell lines.

Researchers told the BBC they hope the newly-created Republican brains will eventually assist scientists in finding new treatments for such prevalent conditions as Chronic Republican Disease (CRD) for which no cure presently exists.

Victims of CRD have no brains or brain cells at all and have a stunted, simplistic vocabulary tending to sloganeering and a tendency to grin and lie. They readily accept payoffs from Republican corporations disguised as political contributions as well as payoffs via reconstruction contracts. They tend to work in the oil industry.

CRD victims also exhibit such traits as warmongering and a tendency to bomb and invade other countries in order to steal their oil, especially in Middle Eastern countries, under the pretext of 'fighting terrorism.' CRD has also infected members of the British Labour Party. Research into CRD may also help cure Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases.

Stem cells are the master cells that change to become other kinds of tissue. Nerve stem cells are those that help build normal human brains as well as the central nervous system, and these act normally in Democrats.

Steven Polecat of the University of London told the BBC that "This is incredibly exciting in terms of curing the many victims of CRD. We may be able to create Republican brains in a dish in order to better understand CRD and its progression. Then we may be able to grow them into larger brains to benefit these unfortunates. Victims like Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney and the many members of the Bush family could then be completely cured."

University of Edinburgh Professor Austin Smudge who led the research told the BBC, "We're already talking with American bio-technology and bio-pharmaceutical companies about developing these little brains for transplant into senior American politicians."

Unfortunately, on August 9, 2001, President Bush limited federal funding of stem cell research to lines of stem cells in existence on or prior to that date, and these lines proved to be far fewer than hoped.

The US House of Representatives passed legislation in May known as the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act that would ease such restrictions by allowing federal funds to be used on stem-cell lines from discarded embryos at fertilization clinics.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, a Republican from Tennessee, recently broke ranks with President Bush by supporting the legislation, as well as widespread cloning of rich Republicans. But so far the bill has not been brought for a vote in the Senate. Since he suffers from CRD, Bush has said he would veto the legislation if it passes.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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