Ancient record of December 21, 1638 Lunar Eclipse Found

Funny story written by Milo Malkavic Mendoza

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

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Local outdoor enthusiasts ran across what turns out to be an ancient Indian text while snipe hunting in the Horse Heaven Hills just north of Paterson, Washington.

Bruce and Velma Ferberger (of Goldendale) thought they had helped Mother Nature by picking up some trash they found in the middle of the buck brush while on their hunt. Under closer inspection they realized what they had considered waste paper was made of a much thicker and harder material that they were unfamiliar with. Intrigued they analyzed the material and found ancient symbols or letters on the material. They could only rationalize that the symbols or letters were of an Indian descent.

Mr. Ferberger explains the incident that led them to the discovery - "Me and Velma were about ready to haul out of the Hills when I seen some trash sticking out of the sand under a "thorny" bush. I told Velma looks like them f*****g Indians left their mess behind again. I picked it up and we both looked it over. She said that this s**t could not be from recent activity due to the strange wear on the piece of wood or whatever the hell it was. I told her she should just find a trash can on our way out and get rid of it - God only knows if those damned Injuns wiped their asses with it or not. She laughed and said that we should take it to Buzz Scanlan (of White Swan) to see if he could tell us what it was - so we did. Sure enough Buzz told us that it's an old Indian text scrawled on what is now petrified hemp. He couldn't tell us what the text said but he thought that maybe it was a couple hundred years old and might be worth some money. So we headed up to Yakima to talk to the Yakima Nation about it."

Upon arriving at the Yakima Nation headquarters in Yakima they were surprised to be told that it appeared the item originated from the time around the Lunar Eclipse in 1638. A lunar eclipse just happened this past Winter Solstice (December 21, 2010) and the last time that had happened was in 1638. The Ferberger's asked why the Tribe thought it was from 1638 and they said because as far as they could decipher the year and a partial date that was scribed on the artifact said "^~VV^6ET" which according to the Tribe meant winter of 1638. When asked what the rest of the document said the Tribe was a little more illusive and at that point they indicated they would like to buy it from the Ferberger's. Bruce and Velma said they would be glad to sell it too them but only after they were able to confirm the date and what the other symbols/letters meant. Enter Dr. Poindexter P. Filibust.

Dr. Filibust is a code breaker that works out in the US Army Firing range in the Manashtash Ridge area of eastern Washington State. After carbon dating the material and decoding the symbols/letters it was determined that the material was authentic and from around 1635 - 1645. However, Dr. Filibust did say that the rest of the inscription on the hemp aritifact did lead credence that it probably was from the time of the Lunar Eclipse. When asked why he thought so Dr. Filibust replied "well I'm very certain of the decoding of the symbol message "~^^ T ooo :O ^^ >< " WikiSquirts William Benesh then asked what does that message mean? The good doctor answered "WE'RE FUCKED!"

The Ferberger's now have a lifetime free breakfast coupon at The Heritage Inn Restaurant in Toppenish, Washington. The restaurant is part of the Yakima Nation Cultural Heritage Center.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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